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Book Jon Moxley’s AEW World Championship Reign: Part 2 - American Venom
submitted by ConorCulture to FantasyBookingElite [link] [comments]
Last time we were here we saw Jon Moxley make his fourth AEW World Championship successful defence. He had overcome Death Triangle, and May even have planted the seeds for their eventual dissolving. Him and Pac went to war for 30+ minutes at All Out, and that came after over a month of fighting. They had wrestled in tag matches twice already in the build up, with Moxley getting pinned for the first time all year twice in that time.
He had successful defences against Kenny Omega, Brian Cage and Darby Allin up until this point. Omega and Moxley had their first authorised match in the main event of Double or Nothing for the gold. Moxley won after a hellacious war, but on that same night - new arriver to the company, Brian Cage, won the Casino Ladder Match in his debut to become #1 Contender.
They would fight in Wembley Arena, England at Fyter Fest, where Moxley won in a Machine’s Rules Match. Not before The Man Called Sting showed up. Mox and Sting made friends, and head into Fight for the Fallen facing against a man who found himself first on the rankings, Darby Allin.
Allin and Moxley faced in a No DQ match, and despite the weapons and blood - what hurt Jon most was he felt like he was fighting himself from 10 years ago. Out of respect he offered friendship and to team together. They did, where they faced Death Triangle. Pac and Moxley entered feud, where Brian Cage and new pal Ricky Starks entered the fray, along with The Rhodes Brothers. This led to a 10-men Tag Team Match on Dynamite, which marked Sting’s final ever match. That ended with Fénix pinning Jon Moxley, earning himself a title match. Mox then would defeat Pac, where we ended off. This leads us into... Book Jon Moxley’s AEW World Championship Reign - Part 2: American Venom
All Out is finished - Jon Moxley defeated Pac in the main event to retain his AEW World Championship. But that’s not the saga of Jon Moxley and Death Triangle over and done with yet. Fénix pinned Jon Moxley a couple weeks ago and is owed a match for Moxley’s title. The Dynamite after All Out, a banged up Jon Moxley comes out and says that him and Death Triangle’s war isn’t over yet. When Fénix walks out from the ramp on his own, Jon tells him to see him next week. FÉNIX HITS MOXLEY WITH A TOPE CON HILO THOUGH BEFORE HE LEAVES!! FÉNIX THROWS HIM OVER THE GUARDRAIL TO THE FLOOR!! He stands tall and walks off in victory, flapping his fingers up and down to the fans for their reaction to be louder.
By next week Moxley now has a hurt arm since he landed on the concrete with it. Him and Fénix have a meeting authorised by Kurt Angle! It’s the same set up as Jericho and OC’s debate authorised by Eric Bischoff, it has Kurt on the stage as his desk with Fénix and Jon at their own stands either side of him. Fénix has a translator with him. He compliments both men on their work before hand, and lets the challenger speak first. Having Fénix speak in his raw Spanish voice will make him seem the most emotional, rather than have his eyes be lost trying to think of how to say what he wants in English. The translator tells Kurt that Fénix says Moxley may have defeated the rest of Death Triangle, but he hasn’t beat him. As far the records go, Fénix is 1-0 against Jon. Angle and the translator could probably have a funny moment, since Kurt is just a funny guy.
Moxley rebounds with a retort, saying it’s hard to take Fénix seriously wearing his little superman mask and having his nerdy translator speak for him. He laughs at the translator and jokes he should face him instead. “Some real competition” Mox laughs. The translator mumbles what Moxley said to Fénix. He asks if he can jump Jon right now. The translator asks Angle, who tells him “well he already knows what’s coming”. Midway through that sentence though, FÉNIX RUNS ACROSS AND HITS MOXLEY WITH A FRONT DROPKICK!! JON GOES FLYING OFF THE STAGE!! Pac and Pentagon come out then and laugh with Fénix. They all hold up a Cero Miedo taunt, with Angle in the background doing one upside-down.
Fénix and Moxley’s clash is set up for the AEW Dynamite Anniversary Show: Chris Jericho’s 30th Anniversary of Wrestling. This means they have 3 weeks until their clash. Moxley would come out again, looking for a non-title match with Fénix this instant. Fénix would come out, slowly walking towards Jon. Jon would retreat as soon as Fénix steps through the ropes. He looks confused at why Mox left straight after calling him out. Mox then says “…now.” AND OUT COMES WILL HOBBS!! Fénix turns around into a SPINEBUSTER!! Jon then rolls back in and says “now we’re even. Next week I want you at your edgelord brother to take on me and my new pal Will.”
And that much happens, as The Lucha Bros take on Jon Moxley and Will Hobbs on the September 30th edition of Dynamite. Hobbs gets a lot of time to shine, showing off his athleticism. The highlight of the match being him doing an ASAI MOONSAULT TO THE OUTSIDE!! The ending spot sees The Lucha Bros win after pinning Will Hobbs with a Fear FactoDiving Foot Stomp combo. This means Fénix is now 2-0 against Jon. The go home week sees Jon do one of his usual promos outside under of the hot Nevada sun in front of a graffiti covered wall. He says this will end the months of torment him and Death Triangle have put each other through. AEW Dynamite Anniversary Show: Jon Moxley (c) vs. Fénix - AEW World Championship
One year ago Dynamite made its inception, the launch of a brand new promotion’s first TV Show was happening live on TNT. On that episode in the main event we witnessed Jon Moxley interrupting the match to attack Kenny Omega, and hit him with a Paradigm Shift through a glass coffee table. The week following we witnessed Fénix make his Dynamite debut in the First Round of the AEW World Tag Team Championships tournament, where him and his brother Penta took on Marko Stunt and Jungle Boy of the Jurassic Express. One year later.
During Jon Moxley’s entrance, he bumps into a wild Hiroshi Tanahashi. Tanahashi is here to celebrate with Jericho for his 30th Anniversary of Wrestling. Tanahashi bows to him and Moxley pats him on the back, before continuing on his march. He hops the guardrail and as if the match could start any other way - FÉNIX WITH A TOPE CON HILO STRAIGHT OFF THE BAT!! The bell rings and the match has started with a bang. Fénix hits him with an elbow before throwing him to the ring post. He looks down at the AEW World Championship and holds it up to the crowd, proclaiming it to be his. HE THEN TURNS AROUND TOA KNEE TO THE GUT FROM MOX!! He throws him into the ring and now we begin.
Moxley hammers elbows to Fénix, but then when he rebounds off the ropes for a Lariat - FÉNIX WITH A HURRICANERANA OUT OF NOWHERE!! Fénix with an Overhead Chop to Jon! He then runs the ropes for a Head Scissors, but Moxley rolls through with it. He slides to the outside. Then Fénix runs up for a Baseball Slide - BUT MOX CATCHES HIM AND THROWS THE CHALLENGER INTO THE GUARDRAIL!! MOXLEY STARTS TO SHOULDER BARGE FÉNIX AGAINST THE STEEL!! Jon then takes his title back up from the floor and hands it to Justin Roberts. He says a few words to him, but from behind is FÉNIX RUNNING UP FROM BEHIND WITH A FRONT DROPKICK!! HE THROWS MOX BACK IN AND HITS THE LA GARRA DE FÉNIX!!! 1..............2.............KICK OUT BY MOX!!!
Just a few minutes have gone by and we’ve already seen all of this. This is the definition of balls to the walls wrestling. Fénix gets up and looks at Moxley, angry he didn’t put him down straight away. Fénix gets up to his feet and lifts Mox up with him. Jon with a quick elbow to the head and follows with a MONEY CLIP!! FÉNIX ESCAPES!! Fénix arm drags Mox to the corner and hits him with his TIGHTROPE KICK!! Jon falls and Fénix scales the ropes again. He’s crotched by Jon however! SUPLERPLEX FROM MOXLEY!!! 1.......2........KICK OUT BY FÉNIX!!! FÉNIX GETS UP AND HITS A SUPERKICK!! HE GOES FOR A HANDSPRING CUTTER! MOXLEY CATCHES AND GOES TO THROW HIM OUT THE RING!! FÉNIX LANDS ON THE ROPES, JUMPS ON THEM A FEW TIMES - SPRINGBOARD TORNILLO!!
Once they’re back up they stand on opposite corners as the crowd applaud their performance. FÉNIX THEN SPRINTS WITH A SPRINGBOARD KICK IN THE CORNER!! He goes for a Snapmare but Moxley picks him up into a MOXICITY!!! JON WITH A DIVING ELBOW DROP!! 1.............2.........FÉNIX GETS THE ROPES!! FÉNIX WITH A CORKSCREW ROUNDHOUSE KICK!! He slides out to the apron. HE DIVES FOR A SPRINGBOARD DRAGONRANA!!! MOXLEY CATCHES AND HITS THE MONEY CLIP!! 1.............2............KICK OUT!! MOXLEY GOES FOR A PARADIGM SHIFT!! FÉNIX ESCAPES AND HITS THE SPANISH FLY!! He throws Moxley into the ropes. FÉNIX THEN WITH A SPRINGBOARD MISSILE DROPKICK FROM ONE SIDE OF THE RING TO THE OTHER!! Moxley is knocked out the ring. FÉNIX THEN WITH A SOMMERSAULT TOPE SUICIDA!!
They’re now both laying on the outside. Fénix overshot the mark and now is in some front row sitters laps. He goes to jump off the guardrail but Moxley catches him! He places him on the apron. Jon gets up with him and hits a kick to the head! JON THEN LIFTS FÉNIX UP FOR A GOTCH-STYLE PILEDRIVER - ON THE APRON!! MOXLEY ROLLS HIM IN, AND GOES FOR AN ELBOW DROP!! FÉNIX LIFTS HIM OFF THE THE TOP ROPES AND TRIES THE BLACK FIRE DRIVER!! HE SPINS MOX AROUND, WHO FLIES OUT OF IT!! DISCUS LARIAT! FOLLOWED BY THE MOTHER OF ALL PARADIGM SHIFTS!!!!! 1..............2...........3!!!! MOXLEY RETAINS AFTER A WAR WITH THE MAN OF A THOUSAND LIVES!!! Jon Moxley defeats Fénix (14:56)
After the match Moxley limps out the ring and back up the stage, his title slung over his shoulder. Meanwhile Fénix lays in the centre of the ring, gassed out of his mind from what just happened. His brother, Pentagon Jr. walks out to comfort his brother. A man in pain, and feeling grief. Pentagon lifts Fénix up, and looks past the mask to see who he knows more than anyone in the world. He offers a Cero Miedo, and Fénix lifts up his arm to do the same. Then when they throw their hands down into the taunt - PENTAGON GRABS FÉNIX AND ARM DRAGS HIM TO THE MAT!! He know kneels above, still holding the arm. He then slowly reclines it...AND SNAPS THE ARM OF HIS OWN BROTHER!! Pentagon looks at Fénix, the same blood as his, writhing in pain at the hands of him. He then grabs Fénix by the jaw and makes him look at him, barely conscious. “Cero...Miedo...”
Next week opens with a recap of the events that transpired last week. We see the high spots of Fénix and Jon Moxley’s war over the title, and then to Pentagon Jr’s attack of him. This then cuts to a promo package for that man, Pentagon Jr. To the backing of Marilyn Manson’s “The Nobodies”, we see the man who Pentagon truly is. He then explains why he did what he did. He explains he doesn’t feel empathy for what he did, he thinks he was perfectly justified. He explains how it benefits him. Later on in the show, Fénix and his translator come out. The translator explains that Fénix has seen the video himself. In the man of a thousand lives words, “those are the emotions of a psychopath. 30 years, and I don’t even know who you truly were.”
Pac comes out to Fénix and tells him: “Death Triangle is dead.” He then explains how he himself is furious at Pentagon, because he still considers Fénix his amigo. Moxley then comes out and says he thinks they both deserve rematches for the AEW World Championship, as they’re both still Number 1 and 2 on the rankings. But he then says that next week on the special episode of Dynamite: “SuperBrawl”, he will allow Pentagon to get what he wants. Because he saw the seeds being planted for this moment back when they faced. So next week if Pentagon can defeat Fénix, it will be a Four-way match between all of them at Full Gear. He then gets a text from Tony Khan confirming it. Pac then tells Fénix “you can trust me.” Fénix shakes his head though. He can no longer trust anyone. HE ITS PAC WITH A BLACK FIRE DRIVER!!
Next week is SuperBrawl and Fénix and Pentagon have pretty much the same match they had in real life, which at the time of writing was last weeks Dynamite. Pentagon wins by targeting Fénix’s arm throughout. Then on the go home show at the beginning of November, all four of them have a contract signing. They all sit at chairs in the four respective corners of the ring. They’re all wrapped in chains so no one attacks anyone. They will only be unchained when they go to sign the contract. Fénix is wearing a sling for his injured arm. Pentagon says nothing throughout despite being the centre of criticism. When he steps up he signs it and walks straight back, despite having security guards watching him like a hawk. The rest all sigh it, but the main part of it is everyone throwing barbs at each other from each corner of the ring. Pentagon is then demanded he speaks. He waits a moment, before saying “larga vida al rey.” Excalibur says that means “long live the king.” They’re on all escorted off ahead of the bout. Full Gear 2020: Jon Moxley (c) vs. Fénix vs. Pac vs. Pentagon Jr. - AEW World Championship
The final pay-per-view of the year is reaching its crescendo to close off the year. Every one of them have been main evented by Jon Moxley, everyone of them for the AEW World Championship. This is hyped as the first ever non one-on-one match in AEW main event history, featuring the four best the company have. Jon Moxley and Death Triangle’s war has gone on for 4 months at this point, since July. We’re now in November and it’s come to a close, with us coming full circle. Everyone of them back where they started - vying for the AEW World Championship. Fénix and Pentagon have never main evented a PPV before, with Pac being only in one. Moxley on the other hand has been involved in every single main event, excluding shows he wasn’t on (Fight for the Fallen and All Out 2019).
Moxley has been entering through the crowd since Dynamite Episode 4, when Pac blindsided him during an entrance. He couldn’t trust people after that, and started travelling his own path. Fénix enters out down through the crowds seats, being with the only people who’ve stuck by him. He climbs down the stairs, first out. The Bastard is now in a tweener role, garnering him a mixed reception. It’s Pentagon next, but he doesn’t come out. Instead Moxley is given the call it’s his turn. The fans all wonder why the champ isn’t out last. Then when Mox has arrived - Pentagon steps through the curtain, and it is nothing but boos. No ironic cheers, not even entrance music - his mere presence earning the ire of the fans.
Fénix starts off with a bang, HITTING PENTAGON WITH A SUPERKICK STRAIGHT AWAY!! HE HITS PENTAGON WITH THE BLACK FIRE DRIVER!!! Pentagon rolls out while Moxley looks out in shock. FÉNIX THEN JUMPS OVER MOXLEY WITH A SPRINGBOARD TORNILLO TO THE OUTSIDE!! That leaves it to Pac and Jon. These two faced off last at All Out in a hellacious bout, and here they are again. PAC jumps up with a Leg Lariat straight off the bat! MOX THEN REBOUNDS WITH A DISCUS LARIAT!! HE LIFTS HIM INTO A MOXICITY STRAIGHT AWAY!! HE LOCKS IN A BOW AND ARROW!! PAC ESCAPES INTO A BRUTALISER!! Mox breaks free, but is then hit by a German Suplex!! PAC THEN FLIES OUT TO THE LUCHA BROS WITH A BRITISH AIRWAYS!!!
Moxley rolls outside to join the hoard. He starts to stomp around all of them, but of course is overwhelmed by numbers. HE TURNS AROUND TO A RUNNING APRON KICK FROM PENTAGON!! Pentagon then drags him inside and licks his lips. This is a dream encounter and the fans cheer. They start booing though when Pentagon gets the first bit of offence with a chop. Moxley no sells it though and hits Pentagon with his own chop - Cheer. Pentagon chops - Boo, and so on. Eventually Pac and Fénix have had enough and both springboard into the ring, both hitting their respective rivals with STEREO SPRINGBOARD CROSSBODIES!! Now it’s these two. Pac tries to conform to Fénix but he’s having none of it. So Pac has to show him his real side.
SUPERKICK BY PAC, INTO A TIGER SUPLEX!! 1......2.....FÉNIX KICKS OUT AND ROLLS THROUGH INTO A LANZA TO THE BACK!! FÉNIX THEN HITS A 540 ROUNDHOUSE KICK!! He fires himself up for a Handspring. He does it, BUT PAC CATCHES HIM WITH A DROPKICK MID MOVE!! PAC THEN WITH A DRAGONRANA!! 1..........2......MOXLEY BREAKS IT UP!! Mox comes in and starts to unleash his brawling on two guys at once. Punch to Pac - punch to Fénix - back to Pac - then again to Fénix. He runs the ropes for a Rebound Lariat, BUT PENTAGON PULLS HIM OUT!! He holds it him in place for someone to dive at him. Fénix does so with a Cannonball Tope Suicida, but instead hits Pentagon! MOXLEY THEN SLIDES IN WITH A LOU THESZ PRESS TO PAC MID RUN-UP!!
Moxley lifts Pac up for a PARADIGM SHIFT ATTEMPT!!! BUT PAC GETS OUT AND HITS A TORNADO DDT!! HE ROLLS THROUGH INTO A BRUTALISER!!! MOXLEY LIFTS HIM OUT WITH A DEATH VALLEY DRIVER - BUT PAC LANDS ON HIS FEET AND HITS A HANDSPRING BACKFLIP INTO THE TORNADO DDT!! HE LOCKS IN THE BRUTALISER!! Moxley can’t lift out of it now, and it looks like the champ will fade. THAT’S UNTIL PENTAGON JR. COMES IN WTH A SUPERKICK PARTY!! Superkicks to Pac and Mox, and then one to his brother on the apron. HE HITS HIM WITH A SLINGBLADE ON THE APRON!! Penta then rolls Fénix back inside. He goes for the Fear Factor that ended it last time, BUT FÉNIX GETS OUT AND HITS A SPRINGBOARD SPIN KICK INTO THE CORNER!!
Fénix goes for a Snapmare but Pentagon rolls through and lands a Japanese Arm Drag! HE CONNECTS A LUNGBLOWER!! He gives Fénix and a Cero Miedo as the fans boo, AND RUNS UP FOR A SOCCER KICK TO THE LEG!! Pentagon lifts Fénix up for a PENTAGON DRIVER!!!! 1............2..........A MISSILE DROPKICK BY PAC BREAKS IT UP!! PAC THEN WITH AN ENZIGURI!! HE HEADS TO THE TOP FOR A BLACK ARROW!!! MOXLEY CROTCHES HIM!! PENTAGON THEN LIFTS HIM OFF WITH A GORILLA PRESS INTO A DOUBLE KNEE GUTBUSTER!! HE TURNS AROUND INTO A CHAIR SHOT BY JON MOXLEY!! 1................2..........BROKEN UP BY PAC!!! FÉNIX THEN FLIES INTO EVERYONE WITH A CORKSCREW SOMMERSAULT SENTON!!
It’s now a quadruple down as every man is taken out. They’ve all practically destroyed themselves by this point. Fénix is first up and throws Moxley out the ring. That leaves it to just the original three...Death Triangle now at war. Pentagon gets up and is shouted out by both men. He steps forward, and falls to his knees. He asks for Fénix to hit him. Fénix takes the offer and lifts him up for a Superkick - BUT PENTAGON CATCHES IT AND SPINS HIM OUT OF IT!! MEXICAN DESTROYER!! HE THEN GRABS PAC INTO THE SACRIFICE!! HE’S GOING TO BREAK HIS ARM!! PAC ROLLS OUT OF IT AND HITS PENTAGON WITH A SWITCHBLADE KICK!! PAC THEN HITS HIM WITH A KNEEDROP SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!!! 1.............2...........ITS BROKEN UP BY A LA GARRA DEL FÉNIX!!!!!
It’s Fénix and Pac now, and Pac is pleading for Fénix to not hurt him. Fénix shakes his head at Pac’s pleading, until he points at Pentagon Jr. Them and the crowd then get excited, and they get to work on the double team. FÉNIX HITS A BLACK FIRE DRIVER, WHICH PAC FOLLOWS UP WITH A BLACK ARROW!! They can’t decide who goes for the pin though. THIS THEN TURNS INTO A KICK FIGHT!! They trade Superkicks until JON MOXLEY SLIDES IN AND JOINS THE PARTY!! HE HITS A DOUBLE PARADIGM SHIFT!! HE THEN DIVES WITH A FLYING ELBOW DROP TO PAC!!! 1................2................3!!!!! MOXLEY RETAINS THE TITLE, HAVING GONE THROUGH WAR WITH THREE OTHER MEN. He stands up shakily, looking down at all the wreckage. He then pushes a guy who offers him some ice away as he walks through the crowd, AEW’s hero. Jon Moxley defeats Fénix, Pac and Pentagon Jr. (35:13)
We’re out of Full Gear and now on the road to the biggest month of AEW’s calendar year - January. Not only do we start off with Homecoming on the first Dynamite of the month, we then get the Jericho Cruise and Bash at the Beach - all on the road to Revolution. Then for certain members of the roster they travel to New Japan Pro Wrestling - a place Jon Moxley spent a lot of time in last year. But this year, not so much. Moxley defended his IWGP United States Championship at Sakura Genesis against Will Ospreay - which he lost. Ospreay winning his first piece of heavyweight gold in NJPW. Afterwards Jon would say he will spend more time in America this year as he is AEW World Champion, and thus won’t compete in the G1 Climax.
Meanwhile Will is on fire. He enters the G1 Climax as part of Block B and fares well for himself. He has tough competition with the likes of Kota Ibushi, Tetsuya Naito, Minoru Suzuki, Kenta and Shingo Takagi - but he holds his own. He then goes on to defend his IWGP United States Championship at Wrestle Dynasty against fellow CHAOS stablemate in Tomohiro Ishii. He defeats him. Afterwards Ishii goes for a handshake, but Ospreay turns on him! The Great O’Kharn and Bea Priestley help beat down on Ishii. Okada then rushes out, but the gang escape in time. They then face off at Summer Struggle in Jingu, where Okada loses. Okada goes on to win the IWGP Heavyweight Championship off of EVIL however at King of Pro-Wrestling. On that same show however, Will loses his title to the first ever Japanese born man to hold the gold - Hiromu Takahashi.
Back to AEW, Jon Moxley has now had his sixth successful defence of the belt and is steadily approaching a year with the title. At Full Gear we witnessed Kenny Omega defeat Adam Page to win a #1 Contenders Tournament. This immediately sets up Moxley’s next challenger, Kenny Omega. Speaking of, what’s Kenny been up to since Double or Nothing? After losing their tag titles to FTR at All Out, they’d go their separate ways. Now both are alone, with The Elite having disbanded earlier in the year. Omega starts to act more heelish while Page earns more sympathy, his only companion now being the bottle. They come to blows at Full Gear and Omega officially turns heel on that night, attacking Adam with a barbed wire broom afterwards.
Next week on Dynamite is the return of The Cleaner. We saw the tease on the build to Double or Nothing, but he never fully capitalised. By dangling the carrot and then taking it away, you switch the fans from expecting something to hoping for it back - and when they get it back it’s an even bigger deal. He comes out with the shades and jacket; a new man - a more evil man. He comes out for an interview with Tony Schiavone, and when asked why he attacked Hangman - he answers in Japanese. He refuses to speak anything other than Japanese. This is the opposite effect of him only speaking English in promos while in NJPW. Jon Moxley comes out the week following to tell Kenny he doesn’t have a damn clue what he said last week, but all he knows is he’s going to beat him for the third time in a row at Revolution. Kenny then hits him with a V-Trigger to show who’s boss. Goodbye and Goodnight.
Jon the heads east to Japan in time for Power Struggle, where everything for Wrestle Kingdom 15 is set. The second ever Double Gold Dash between Kazuchika Okada (HW), Tetsuya Naito (IC), Kota Ibushi (G1) and Will Ospreay. Hiromu defends his IWGP United States Championship against an American in Juice Robinson, which he wins. Afterwards Jon Moxley makes his triumphant return to NJPW. He says that he’s not owed any match from Hiromu, but he wants that third US title reign. So he isn’t asking for anything - but just putting out the offer. If Hiromu gives him the match, he will put his AEW World Championship on the line too. Takahashi gives Jon a hug and accepts. He then does something weird, causing Moxley to leave with a eye roll and light smile.
Moxley then tries to scare Kenny when he comes back at the end of November with the barbed wire bat, but Kenny doesn’t budge. He has his own translator with him, to tell Moxley what he thinks. I think Kenny as a heel and a goofy translator character could be entertaining, since Omega has comedic chops and hopefully they can find a guy who does too. Firstly Kenny tells Jon that he’s above speaking the language of everyone in AEW because he’s on the next level above them. They are inferior to his new being. Kenny then says he has claimed every top title he possibly can - IWGP Heavyweight, KO-D Openweight from DDT and the PWG World titles. But that - what Moxley’s holding - has alluded him. He will take it.
Then it’s December, and we start Dynamite off with an angry Jon Moxley carrying out Michael Nakazawa to the ring. He has a barbed wire bat with him. He threatens to assault him unless Kenny speaks English to his face. Omega walks out to stop it...and then points the finger gun at Nakazawa. V-TRIGGER!! Did it for Mox. Kenny then leaves Jon with a broken man in the ring. After this, Kenny cuts a backstage promo with subtitles. He says Jon is what Pac said - he can’t wrestle. He can only do crazy hardcore spotfests, he can’t get down and technical. Meanwhile Kenny is the best in the world at that, and he knows if they fight in a clean match he WILL win. So he proposes that they fight in an Iron Man Match at Revolution. A DQ will result in a fall to the other wrestler, meaning if Jon gets extreme he will give Kenny a lead. The last Dynamite of 2020 sees Moxley bring Omega out to the ring to accept, and then attack him with the bat. Moxley then travels east for Wrestle Kingdom. Wrestle Kingdom 15 Night Two: Hiromu Takahashi (c) vs. Jon Moxley (c) - IWGP United States Championship and AEW World Championship
The second night of Wrestle Kingdom has arrived and it’s set to be a big one. The first night saw the beginning of the second ever Double Gold Dash - where we saw Tetsuya Naito defeat Will Ospreay to retain his Intercontinental Championship along with Kota Ibushi defeating Kazuchika Okada to win the IWGP Heavyweight Championship. Not only that but we also saw Jay White and Hiroshi Tanahashi in a grudge match as well as SANADA and EVIL do battle in a No Disqualification Match. Night two is now set to see Will Ospreay and Kazuchika Okada do battle as well as Okada and Ibushi fight once again for both belts. But before all that it’s the United States Championship match, and it all begins with The Death Rider
Coming out on his finest Harley Davidson, Jon Moxley drives out through the Tokyo Dome to ringside. The Young lions offer him help, but Mox hand selects his boy, Shota Umino, to help him out. The two pull it over the barricade and Moxley sits on it with the title slung over his shoulder, while Shooter does his best Shibata of arms folded and stone faced. “DEATHU RAIYDAH...JONAH MOXUREE!!!” Mox poses with the AEW World Championship. With that wacky entrance over we go to a man who can top “Wacky Dean” in every way you can do wacky possible, Hiromu Takahashi. He walks out with Daryl and Naoru, who hold the IWGP United States Championship between them. Jon sighs at this sight. Takahashi does his weird tongue taunt at all the people in the crowd, as there is no better greeting possible.
Once we’re underway Hiromu panders to the crowd for a minute or so, and then the lock up starts. A chinlock by Moxley is rolled out of and Hiromu rebounds with an arm drag into a school boy. Moxley kicks out and swings at Takahashi, who is already running off the ropes but is caught by a Big Boot! Jon then throws him into the corner and starts to unload punches. He then hits a big knee to the gut. A Snapmare and Soccer Kick follows. Jon is in control and applies a Nerve hold. Hiromu quickly sweeps out of it though and lands a Head Scissors Takedown! Hiromu puts his fingers in a v-shape and locks in between because he’s a weirdo. Commentary laugh at this but not so much at his HESITATION DROPKICK!! HOOKS THE LEG - JON KICKS OUT!! HIROMU THEN LEFTS HIM UP FOR A FALCON ARROW, BUT MOXLEY FLOATS OVER AND HITS A RELEASE SUPLEX!!
Moxley pulls himself up to stalk Takahashi in the corner, who stands up with him. He tries to get at Jon by raising his fist up towards his for a bump, and calling him “brother.” Moxley laughs it off and raises his hand, to the air, tue LIJ taunt. MOXLEY THEN HITS HIROMU WITH A SCOOP SLAM!! CURB STOMP FROM THE CORNER!! 1................2...........KICK OUT!! Jon pulls him up for a PARADIGM SHIFT - BUT HIROMU COUNTERS INTO THE DESTINO!!! 1.............2..........KICK OUT!! Both are down having done their partners moves - now learning they can’t follow any path but their own. They both recover on the outside after the kick outs from big moves. Takahashi is first back up and takes Jon back inside. He lands a Superkick to knock Moxley over the ropes, and then heads to the top ropes. HE DIVES OUTSIDE WITH A DIVING SENTON!! HE THROWS JON BACK INSIDE AND LOCKS IN A TRIANGLE CHOKE!!
He pulls and pulls on the hold, but then Jon reaches the ropes. Hiromu tries to Superkick him again BUT JON HITS HIM WITH A PENDELUM LARIAT!! HE TRIES FOR THE PARADIGM SHIFT AGAIN BUT TAKAHASHI FLOATS OVER INTO A CANADIAN DESTORYER!! MOXLEY ROLLS OUT AHD LOCKS IN A FUJIAWARA ARMBAR!! MOXLEY STOMPS ON THE HEAD FOR FURTHER DAMAGE!!! HIROMU IS FADING - UNTIL HE ROLLS OUT!! SUPERKICK FOLLOWED BY A DYNAMITE PLUNGER OVER THE ROPES TO THE APRON!! TAKAHASHI THEN FLIES OUT WITH A TOPE CON HILO!!!! Commentary are screaming for Hiromu to throw him inside and finish the job, but he’s too banged up from the fall. The ref’s 20 count begins, but by 15 they’re both back in.
Takahashi thinks for a cover, but considers it too late. He rethinks and goes for a Time Bomb, but Moxley gets out and HITS AN ELBOW TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD!! ONE HITTER BY JON!!!! 1.................2.............KICK OUT!! TAKAHASHI BREAKS OUT AND HITS THE JOHN WOO DROPKICK!! He rolls out and sets up one of NJPW’s famously hard wood tables. HE GOES FOR A SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB TO MOXLEY!! BUT JON BLOCKS IT, AND HITS A PARADIGM SHIFT TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH THE TABLE!! HE DRAGS HIROMU TAKAHASHI BACK INSIDE AND COVERS - 1...................2...............3!!!!! JON MOXLEY HAS WON THE IWGP UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE THIRD TIME IN HISTORY, AND HAS SUCCESSFULLY RETAINED HIS AEW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!! Afterwards he grabs a microphone and says “Naito, Ibushi - I don’t care which one of you, but whoever you are - I want to hold four titles.” Jon Moxley defeats Hiromu Takahashi (20:11)
Jon says he’s heading back home in the press conference with two titles, and says that after 18 months under his tutelage - he’s letting Shooter spread his wings and go off as his own man. “I’ll see ya soon bud.” he tells him as he walks off through the door, both belts slung over his shoulders. Jon returns home to the States on the week after AEW Homecoming, and the week before the Jericho Cruise sets sail. He comes back and while passing him backstage, says to Kenny Omega: “くたばれ!” (In romaji: (kutabare!”) (means “go to hell!” Literally means "Drop dead!") A match is confirmed for the Jericho Cruise ship, where both guys will team together to run a gauntlet. The build for this is seen when Omega opens the show with a backstage promo (because this show needs promos where every third word isn’t cut off by reception).
He says that Jon may think he’s now the king of Japan, but he better no who he’s talking to. Former IWGP Heayvweight, Intercontinental, Junior Heavyweight, United States, Tag Team and NEVER Openweight Six-man Tag Team Champion. Jon can’t and never will top his Puroresu credentials. So he’s going to get to watch Omega to do what he did for 10 years and feel what it’s like to be the lesser, because he needs to be knocked off his perch now he’s passed over 300 days as champion. Jon comes out normally but Kenny has all the bells and whistles, as he enters to “Dragon Heart” from Seiken Tsukai No World Break. He’s led to the ring by a group of dancing ladies with brooms, as he basks in his own ego. They ultimately fall to FTR - the team who defeated Page and Omega at All Out, after a miscommunication.
Bash at the Beach and they have a match with FTR, this time for their AEW World Tag Team Championships. Cash slips out of a One Winged Angel and locks in a Fujiwara Armbar. Omega struggles in it but then he’s done for when Dax drops down with a Knee. Omega then instantly tap. Afterwards Jon goes ballistic on him for not making him a triple champion. “No wonder everyone you loved left you.” he says in an interview with Tony Schiavone next week. After that Kenny challenges Moxley saying that everyone he loved left him. Moxley then slowly brings out all his buddies. Darby Allin, Sting, Will Hobbs and Shota Umino. He then starts to call for Omega’s friends. “Riho? Nakazawa? Hangman? The Bucks? No one home it seems. But what hurts most is this: IBUSHI? dead silence
” “Now all you got is your dumbass translator. Speaking of - attacks translator
” Kenny walks off in defeat.
The go home show confirms a Hardcore Match between Kenny Omega and Michael Nakazawa. Nakazawa left Kenny as a friend after he turned to the dark side. This is a match driven by enough but told through DDT hardcore spots. I think I’m the only person on earth who enjoyed Nakazawa/Jebailey so I’d like this, also considering it contains Kenny Omega in it. Omega wins with a One Winged Angel onto a pile of loose arcade buttons. Afterwards he speaks in English for the first time all year. “Jon - what I do to you at Revolution will end your fairytale of a title run. I am not who you had your first successful defence against, you have seen god damn nothing.” This means we’ve reached our destination - Los Angeles, the city in which we will witness the Iron Man Match between Kenny Omega and Jon Moxley. Revolution 2021: Jon Moxley (c) vs. Kenny Omega - 30-minute Iron Man Match for the AEW World Championship
Revolution has seen a lot so far, and is already in the history books as one of AEW’s best ever PPVs. But you have to save the best for last, of course. The main event arrives, and it starts with something hardcore...BABYMETAL.
Live on the stage are the most Kenny Omega band imaginable, signing a song about hardships and overcoming defeat via perseverance. Then a fan walks on stage and starts to jam out, and the bad stop and look at him weird. Lights go out...ITS KENNY OMEGA!! AS AKUMA’S RAGING DEMON!! His hair is dyed red and spiked up and he has the demon symbol painted on his back. They then resume the song as Omega walks down. Justin Roberts has really strapped up his boots for this one and he has to do not one but two dramatic ring introductions for this match.
Jon Moxley then doesn’t have a Harley Davidson like last time (some things are too good to be true), instead having to walk like a beta. Nevertheless he still has two titles with him, commentary pointing out his IWGP United States Championship - also mentioning the belts inaugural champion was Kenny Omega - but now Moxley has held it three times. He walks past his wife Renee Paquette in the crowd who wishes him good luck. Jon slithers into the ring and makes Omega watch as he raises up both titles. Excalibur says that Omega will be the third man in history to have held a major heavyweight championship in Mexico, Japan and the United States if he wins. Previous winners being Antonio Inoki (IWGP, WWF and UWA) and Vader (IWGP/AJPW, WCW and UWA). Also j the crowd for this match are Alex Jebailey who receives a boo at his arrival. The cameras then go to Renee who gets a pop.
The bell rings and the match has started. Kenny and Jon slowly advance, doing little circles around the centre. Then they pounce into a lock up. Kenny misses the chinlock and instead is on the receiving end of one. He tries to slide out but Jon snatches him back with an armhold. Omega kicks up to knock Jon off and get away. He dusts his hands and this time leapfrogs Moxley when he goes for him, and grabs him by the waist. He slams him back and gets a rest hold in. He applies a headlock and rolls back into a mini Crossface. Jon grabs the ropes and retreats to his corner. Eventually he gets bored of this and wants to fuck shit up, so when Omega runs at him he hits a kick to the midsection! Moxley then with an EXPLODER SUPLEX STRAIGHT AWAY!! He hits it and basks in the soaking applause of the fans.
Jon lifts Kenny up but he’s hit by a Enziguri!! HE FOLLOWS WITH THE YOU CAN’T ESCAPE! As soon as the Moonsault lands he covers, 1........2......KICK OUT!! Jon then connects an Arm Drag and follows with a Kitchen Sink! HE TRIES FOR AN EARLY PARADIGM SHIFT!! OMEGA FLOATS OVER AND LANDS A KOTARO KRUSHER!!! HE HITS ANOTHER ONE INTO THE CORNER!!! He flies over the ropes with the second and so starts to scale the turnbuckles to get back in. HE PULLS JON UP BY A GUTWRENCH!! He tugs and tugs but Moxley sandbags. He still gets him to the first rope. He’s looking for Dr. Wiley’s Powerbomb! MOXLEY THEN LIFTS HIM FOR A SUPERPLEX!! KENNY STAYS PUT!! MOXLEY THEN CATCHES HIM WITH AN AIR RAID CRASH!! HE FLIES!! 1.............2..........3!!!!!!!!!! Jon Moxley earns 1 point.
Omega is flustered by that sudden pinfall. Moxley is arrogant about getting a quick pin and turns around to showboat. HE’S THEN CAUGHT WITH A REVERSE FRANKENSTEINER BY OMEGA!! Kenny then slits his throat and points a finger gun at Moxley’s head, BEFORE LANDING A V-TRIGGER!! HE HITS THE AOI SHOUDOU!! HE THEN RUNS THE ROPES FOR ANOTHER V-TRIGGER BUT HES CAUGHT WITH A HEADBUTT!! MOXLEY THEN HITS A CUTTER!!! 1..KICK OUT!! OMEGA GETS UP AND HITS A MISSILE DROPKICK TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD FROM OUT OF NOWHERE!! This man is not fucking about. He pulls Moxley up and thinks he’ll hit him with his own move, the Paradigm Shift. MOXLEY COUNTERS WITH A BACKBODY DROP TO THE OUTSIDE!! Omega lands on his feet, but is immediately hit by a SUICIDE DIVE FROM MOXLEY!!
Both guys are now on the outside after the big dive. Moxley isn’t much of a high flyer aside from his elbow drops, but here he just went. He gets up with a middle finger in the sky to show he enjoyed that. He drags Kenny back in with him. He throws Omega to the corner and starts to come in with punches and stomps. He runs for a HESITATION DROPKICK!! He then lifts Omega up for a chop. He readies himself...OMEGA HITS A V-TRIGGER!! DRAGON SUPLEX BY OMEGA!! RISE OF THE TERMINATOR BY OMEGA TO THE OUTSIDE!! He then bashes Moxley’s head off the ring post a few times until he throws him back in He irish whips Jon to the corner, who jumps to the second rope, and IS THEN HIT WITH A SUPERKICK TO THE REAR!! OMEGA CLIMBS UP AND HITS A SUPER CROYT’S WRATH!!!! 1..............2..............3!!!! Kenny Omega earns 1 point.
We’re now approaching 20 minutes and the score has just been made equal. Omega climbs up and is now the one who gets cocky. He comes prepared for the surprise attack as he flips out of a German Suplex. SUPERKICK INTO THE ROPES, BUT IS CAUGHT BY A PENDULUM LARIAT!! MOXLEY THEN GOES FOR A SPINNING PARADIGM SHIFT! KENNY ESCAPES AND RUNS THE ROPES, BUT IS CAUGHT BY A KITCHEN SINK!! JAPANESE ARM DRAG BY MOXLEY!! They’re desperate for the second point and the clock is ticking. We’re over 20 minutes now. Omega kicks into gear when he attempts a One Winged Angel and the fans leave their seats. Moxley quickly slides out though and scurries for the corner. Kenny basks in the glory of embarrassing the world champion. HE’S THEN ROLLED UP BY MOXLEY!! KICK OUT AND A DOUBLE DOWN FROM STEREO CLOTHESLINES!! Continues in comments
Summer 2019 funny dialogues compilation (Part 1)
submitted by squashyVN to grandorder [link] [comments]
Hi all :) In these posts I’ll be sharing some of the fun bits of dialogues from the Swimsuit Swordsmasters summer event. They are mostly short and fun exchanges between the characters that you can enjoy reading along with the summaries of the chapters that you can find down here.
Here are the summaries of the Las Vegas summer event from last year, done by various good souls. With the exception of the translations by pplovesk
, most of these were summarized by Itqan Madani on their Facebook. They used to be posted on reddit by kakarot12310
but since the posts have been removed for some reason I'll link directly to Itqan Madani instead. Main chapter summary part 1 Main chapter summary part 2 Main chapter summary part 3 Main chapter summary part 4 Main chapter summary part 5 Main chapter summary part 6 Main chapter summary part 7 Main chapter summary part 8 Main chapter summary part 9,
and part 10. Alternative summary with additional tidbits
by pplovesk. Main chapter summary part 11 alternative summary with additional translation of the final boss’ dialogues and fun tidbits
by pplovesk. Extra: Drive in Las Vegas Extra: Fun Jet Tennen Rishin-ryū Extra: Losers’ Lullaby Extra: Gambling Saint Extra: Playing With The Weather (featuring QSH and Iskandar)
by shinyklefkey. The new Chaldea Director's first swimsuit event:
Goldolf: “I heard you need permission for leyshift so I came to see. What exactly is this? Swimsuit? Swordsmasters? Don’t do pranks more than twice a month. Or has the Japanese heat wave got to you that badly? Ah well, I do understand the wish for a summer vacation. A commander’s job is to ensure the subordinates’ welfare. No benefits, no labor, right? However, however, you see...”
“AREN’T WE! IN AN EMERGENCY! SITUATION! RIGHT NOW!? Hasn’t the surface been wiped blank! Where are you gonna find a beach, let alone walking around in swimsuits?! Do you understand!? We ain’t gonna have a summer of our dream where we mess around in some five star resort, are we!”
Gudao: “Got it.”
Gol: “LIKE HELL YOU DID. YOU GOT NOTHING! Can’t have Swimsuit Swordsmasters if you don’t leyshift to America, how the hell am I supposed to swallow that ludicrousness!? I’m not swallowing that! You’re lucky I haven’t questioned your sanity!”
Vinci: “Now now commander, calm down. There there~”
Gol: “Telling me to calm down is one thing but stop patting my belly already...”
Vinci: “C’mon, haven’t things been like that always? As long as there is a wish to a Holy Grail-equivalent of magical resource, a singularity can emerge. It juuuust happens to be Swimsuit Swordsmasters in America this time. What’s so strange about that?
... hey, am I that guy? Am I the crazy one here?”
Holmes: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Well then Commander, you will grant permission, won’t you?”
Gol: “Why can you smile with such a straight face... SCARY! YOUR SMILE IS SCARING ME!”
Upon arriving at Las Vegas:
Siegfried: “This city is false. Everything here is formed from the battle of the Swordsmasters. This city is not unlike a battlefield itself. I feel the call of battle rousing my blood. It’s not within myself, but this Heroic Outfit is speaking to me”
Hoku: “(this guy is so cool! I wanna imitate him...) y-yeah, I also feel excited. It’s not me. It’s the swords speaking to me.”
Sieg: “I see, you too are burdened by the whispers of the swords. Must be painful.”
Hoku: “(No good, too cool! I might be taken away if I let my guard down! No, I can’t let this get to me yet! I still need to become the best swimsuit swordsmaster! I’ll defeat anyone, ancestors, please watch over me!)”
Mashu: “why is she all silent now...”
Sieg: “she’s facing her destiny. Let us treat her gently.”
Mashu: “r-right.” Gudao: “destiny...”
Sieg: “that’s right, destiny.” Hoku: (tremble furiously!)
Sieg: I understand. Her trembling stance is what the orientals call the battle trance! Hoku: (this man, how much more is he going to make me shaken!?)
Hoku: Hehe. (playing cool) Sieg: What a fearless smile. As expected, donning four swords is naught a matter to you.
Hoku: (blush more furiously!) Sieg: Oh, she’s in a battle trance again...
“The sunlight, the tan, the wet skin, the cute little boys! Summer is the best!!!”
(Musashi, being an open onee-san, 2019)
Apparently Musashi has been trekking on foot half a day from Grand Canyon to Las Vegas. “No udon, no burger, just walk and walk and walk...” And then she is ashamed to show up in front of us (because event spoiler blah blah blah) so...
“H A I, K O N I C H I W A, tourists-S A N! I’m just a regular American Heroic Spirit D E S U!”
Sieg: “you’re American...?” Musashi?: “Y E ~ S U! Check out this W E S T E R N bikini, perfect as a cowboy gunman right? K A T A N A & P I S T O L double wielding! O H Y E A A A!”
Option 1: nope nope nope nope nope nope
Option 2: nope nope nope nope nope nope
And this little gem:
Gudao: A bunny suit? / Umm, aren’t you supposed to be a Swimsuit Swordsmaster too?
Bunny king: I am Swimsuit Lion King. The great owner of the Casino Camelot. There is no mistake. Why because, my suit... is water resistant.
HIMEJI SURVIVAL CASINO Anne and Mary scene where Kotaro is able to record their battle tactics (that you definitely want to read):
Gang member: wheeze… wheeze… wheeze Finally caught you now. Damn cheeky girl, took me ages to track you down! (perverted laughs) But it was worth it hehehee…
Anne: Kyaa~ Don’t~ (monotone) What kinds of depravity would you subject me to?
Gang member: What do you mean, what kinds… Hiihiihii, don’t play dumb!
Samurai: (menacing giggles) Kukuku… It goes without saying… (WHIPS OUT KIARA P0RN!) We’ll have you read out loud this phantasmal book “Compilation of the Eiten School’s Dharma of Sensations!”
Samurai: Of course, you have to read this in a tsundere-like voice that hides the inner ZUKKON LOVE of an osananajimi love interest, understand!
Anne: (What the heck is ZUKKON) (TL: “zukkon” means “madly in love”)
Anon Warrior: Ah, then I would like to request an onee-san voice pleeze. Lemme explain, you see, I recently became a working adult, and everyday feels like a constant grind full of social responsibilities… So-how-about-a-scenario-where-I’m-a-high-schooler-who-lives-alone-for-some-reason,-then-this-onee-san-would-cling-to-me-and-rant-with-beer-in-her-hand:-“Working-life-sucks~-But-how-can-a-kid-like-you-understand~”-But-when-I-protest:-“Don’t-treat-me-like-a-child!”-she-would-go-ara-ara-fufufu~-then-turn-towards-me-with-a-charming-smile-no-bratty-high-school-chick-could-pull-off-and-whisper-playfully-into-my-ear:-“Want-me-to-treat-you-like-an-adult-then? ♡”-pretty-please!
Gang member: You turn into a real motormouth as soon as people ask you about your delusions…
Samurai: My bad. Pretend you didn’t hear anything just now.
Mary: (dash into the scene!) Seriously! You got me lost in that lengthy rambling too!
Mob enemies: Wut!? (promptly get ambushed)
Anne: Umm lemme see lemme see… “Indeed. Let us head to the temple.”
Mary: Please don’t read that book for the love of God.
Gang member: W-Wait… Why do you guys have more members…?
Mary: I act as Anne’s equipment. So we’re two people, but still one Servant. Yaaaay. (cute grin)
Gang member & Samurai: T-That’s cheating… (drop dead)
Anon Warrior: …for the new lady who just appeared… a scenario where an osananajimi that I treated like an imouto who used to hang out with me plea… (dead)
Mary: You wouldn’t stop until you die!? (blush) And about that request, why does it have to be an imouto… I’ll do just fine as an onee-san too!
Anon Warrior: (crawl up from his grave with a shit-eating grin)
Mary: One express ticket to hell for you! (kick him away)
After Kotoro’s recording stops, Gudao has an option to respond: “Nevermind their tactics, can I know who that cultured Anon Warrior is?”
Later, to trick Anne and Mary using their own tactic, Gudao also disguises himself as equipment to act as baits for the 2 thirsty pirate onee-san.
Mashu: Are you going to be okay, Master…
Gudao: Please pick up my bones after they finish me.
mUSAshi: You’ll be fiiiiine. Neither meat nor bones will go anywhere!
Mary: …h-huh? Master! What are you doing here?
Gudao: I’m lost…
Mary: Geez, you’re hopeless. Wait, if you’re here then you’re also a player right? …huh, equipment? I see, just like me… (blush) Yeah that makes sense. If I fit, then Master should also fit… But… playing the role of equipment… alone all by yourself…
Mary: Hmmm~ (scoot closer) Hmmm, mmm hmmm~ (scoot much closer)
Anne: (barge in) Hey, I found you!
Mary: (startle!) Yikes, Anne!
Anne: Hmph! It’s unfair to steal a move on Master in secret.
Mary: I’m not doing anything like that. To begin with, aren’t you supposed to be our lookout?
Anne: Teehee~ :D I heard Master was in the bamboos, so I just acted on my own without thinking.
Mary: Aww, what am I going to do with you :D Welp, all the more fun with just the 3 of us here!
Anne: I know right ♪
Anne: (thirsty mode ON) Let’s. Get. It. On. Then ♡ Master, you’re supposed to be equipment, right? In other words, it’s natural to treat you like our belongings, right? Ah. Non non. Of course we won’t go rough on you. We’ll juuuuust gently…
Mary: (invade personal space) Hug you…
Anne: (invade personal space) And press our cheeks on yours…
Mary: (dominate personal space) And do things we normally can’t do with you…
Anne: (dominate personal space) Do them lots and lots and lots ♡
Mary: Now, keep your eyes closed okay, Master? ♡
Gudao: Guys… look…
The girls: ?
And then of course you gotta beat them up cuz god forbid we ever get laid.
MechaEli: (landing down) I have confirmed the tournament announcement. So Mary and Anne have been defeated, right?
Gudao: Since when can you fly!?
MechaEli: Since forever. This skill was installed as soon as I was manufactured. This is better than summoning the sea with some Noble Phantasm right?
(Getting flashback of dolphin railgun: Jeanne: “Yaaay~ I’m gonna filled the world with dolphins! :D” Reese: “DO PHI PHI PHI PHI PHI PHIN!” – translation: incredibly foul-mouthed dolphinspeak that mustn’t be transcribed)
Gudao: ...Yeah, you got a point.
PHARAOH CASINO (For this part I just wanna comment that Schez takes up the role of the security chief of Pharaoh Casino to help Nito who is currently being possessed by Medjed-sama. Brown girl finally grew a spine for her friend 😭)
Gucchan just came out of a date with Xiang from the casino when Carmilla suddenly asks her to join Gudao’s band of phantom theives, so she just beats you up. But then we win instead so she’s like “fine fine what the hell do you want to talk me into”.
Carmi: “I know from my research, you lost a big sum in the casino just now right? The lover date just barely healed the salt. Don’t you want to get back at them? This heist will benefit you, because you see, what we’re after is the arrogance of a concept like casino itself.”
Gu: “...yeah, now that you mention it, what rubbish. Casino or whatever, rubbish. Why would I have to humiliate myself in puny humans’ rules for play pretend? Getting them back for making fun of me in front of Xiang-sama... very well, such detour may be fun” (cute fang grin)
Gudao: (Oops, paisen / She’s surprisingly...)
Hoku: Hey hey, wassup with this girl, she’s surprisingly easy to fool!
Mashu: No Hoku-san blurting that out is no good! Be flexible, Gu-san! Flexible!
Well, their plan to infiltrate the Casino is actually making Gu explode into a bloody mess to scare Schez off.
Gu: “So what’s the big plan? As long as it’s not on the level of “No choice but to self-destruct right here!” that some purple-headed strategist’s been doing lately, I’m fine with anything.”
Gu: “Say something! You’re pissing me off!”
Gu: “excuse me, I feel ill...”
Schez: “oh no, this is not good ma’am! We must give you medical assist right away or else you might die...”
Gu: “...now that I look at it, this place is filled with nothing but white and slippery-looking guys (Medjeds). Wouldn’t it be more fitting to have strong intimidating guys around? This is too all-age for what I’m about to do.
Gu: “I feel ill, ah really ill... Wait this is exactly what that strategist likes to do isn’t it! Hey what the hell I’m pissed!”
Carmi: (psst! Stick to the plan!)
Gu: “OH YEAH YEAH FINE I’M THE KIND OF WOMAN ONLY GOOD FOR THIS SORT OF THINGS RIGHT HUH?! EXPLODE RIGHT, I JUST GOTTA EXPLODE IS THAT IT?! Fine, here we go. [ETERNAL LAMENT!]”
(Splat! Blood rains everywhere)
Schez: I-I’m going to dieeeeee! Wait she dieeeeeessss??!
And then later when they bait Cleo out she’s all like what the hell is with all the ruckus and why the hell are the patrons screaming “meat...! meat...!”
SUITENGU CASINO Assassin Creed: Lip edition #1:
Carmi: “QP farming is for plebs. I’m staying in the hotel for beauty treatment. Rather, why would you ask a phantom thief to do anything but to steal. I have no business with Sutengui. “There are no hidden treasures in Sutengui. Only the sound of cheering and empty holograms...” That’s what my Mistress Sensor has whispered to- (rocket punched, dead)
Lip: “Failed to detect a surprise attack from behind... is your sensor only good for detecting jewelry? Were you really an Assassin? That’s what you get for wearing a swimsuit not your age... I mean for turning into a Rider.”
Assassin Creed: Lip edition #2: Okkie: “GO GO GO! You’re dumb for running alone! No mercy for you, assault from 3 sides! Yep yep, survival games are the best! Sorry Maa-chan, I gotta stretch my limbs sometimes! To begin with, isn’t Sutengui like, that evil casino run by Lambda? There is definitely an evil aura well hidden there... even Hime can see darkness there... Kurohi (black Kiyohime? Third ascension?) said “it’s kinda scary” too... Ah well, today Carmi and Nero let me loose so I’m just gonna de-stress in the woods~! Ora ora, your back is wide open! You’re 10 years too early to join the battlefield beibii!”
Lip: “Same goes to you tho. Must be because your belly fat causes you to get slow.”
Okkie: “Whaa!? Whatcha mean, I took boxing class and went on a diet properly to prepare for summer you kno- (rocket punched, dead)
Lip: “You talk too much. If you’re aiming, keep your breath down and be quite. Were you really an Assassin? I don’t think you can join the cool Archer club with that much meat on your belly...”
Assassin Creed: Lip edition #3:
Fuuma: ... Lip:... Fuuma: ... Lip:... Fuuma: ... Lip:...
Fuuma: ...excuse me. You’ve been following me for quite some time, anything you wanna say?
Lip: ... sigh. Assassin class is truly cunning. Noticing me tailing like that... I just wanted to put you down gently... (not sure if rocket punches are considered gentle 🤨) that would have been a hat-trick... could you please read the mood here...”
Fuuma: (...but man, that’s really some dress she’s wearing... I can’t look straight... sasuga Vegas... no calm down Koutaro, calm as still water... at times like this, lord Kintoki would keep his cool and look straight without fail...!) (pretty Kinbro would just go beet red too tho)
Fuuma: Sorry but I’m in a hurry so I can’t dawdle here. Maybe if there are taxis around...
Lip: Oh that won’t be necessary. I have class advantage against Assassin after all ★
Fuuma: A giant...!? (about to say “fist” but he ded)
After capturing our Servants, Lip leaves us a threat letter: “I have to wonder how you’d challenge Sutengui with such lame Servants. The “distiny” of annoying flies are to be squashed flat. I’ll be using the three I captured at the beachside.
PS: Splitting watermelons is fun.”
Then you find out she actually buries those three in the sand to play watermelon splitting with their heads…
Lip: At the moment due to some circumstances Melt has turned into a Lancer, so I would prefer that only Saber people would beat her to a pulp.
Fuuma: Umm, aren’t you guys sisters?
Carmi: What are you on about. This is what siblings are like.
Fuuma: :C (Aren’t family members supposed to get along!?)
Hoku: Saber class is fine right? Then no need to worry, I’ll take her on! Leave this to us. There is no need for you to concern yourself anymore.
Lip: No role for me to play anymore? Isn’t this kind of situation where you recruit me into your party! Right, Gudao?
Gudao: If we leave her alone, it might be dangerous... / Lip is definitely our trump card.
Lip: Rogue! Passionlip will do her best! Given enough time, I can turn anything into a cube. If push comes to shove, the whole casino can just go poof!
Okkie: Yep, she’s a monster. On our side or not the level of danger is the same, Maa-chan T__T
Announcer: Welcome to Sutengui. We’ll now perform belonging inspection. Please spare the time to cooperate with us.
Gudao: it’s dark... / security is strict...
Mashu: yeah... if we don’t hold hands in this darkness we might get separated...
Sieg: (boing~) Where are you Hokusai? Are you there? (boing~) What is this smooth and elastic material that the more you hold it the more your hand digs in... (boing~) the texture is so soft, if I have to say... don’t tell me this is... (boing~) the breast muscles...?
Hoku: Dummy, that’s Octodad, stop grabbing his head! You can stop holding onto my belt now!
After getting out of the dark security check, Siegfried has squid ink on his face...
Melt’s casino is pretty hardcore. It converts your EXP into slot tokens without asking and if you lose you’re basically EXP food for Melt. Looks like the day before Gudao gang gets to Sutengui, Blackbeard and Columbus gambled their EXP away and died.
Bart: Each coin here is worth 1 million QP. Instead of fraud, they just play big. Returns are big too. If you get a triple the slot machine will eject 10 coins, a jackpot 1000. Do you know what this means?
Hoky: Each coin a million... then 1000 would be like, 10 billion QP!?
Sieg: No, on the other hand... we could lose 1 million QP in exactly 3 seconds!?
Gudao: This woman makes 1 million QP a second...! / This man loses 1 million QP a second...!
Koutaro being too much of an good guy:
Fuuma: That Alterego (Protea) must originally be a kind hearted girl, she’s just been deceived by that evil factory manager. If we defeat that rider, there shouldn’t be a need to fight her anymore!
Columbus: ?? ???
After we kick Columbus’ ass:
Protea: uu~ mister factory manager was too noisy, that woke me up...~ but he already kicked the bucket...? He didn’t even seem like he put up a fight... but I’m glad everybody else is okay! ... so let’s p l a y a w h o l e l o t, o k a y? Even if I make a little mess, Melt will fix it for me!
Fuuma: Huh!? Shouldn’t she be a good girl at heart??
Gudao: To begin with why would you even have that kinda idea / (oh, right, he didn’t know she went nuts on the skate ring earlier)
Melt’s plan getting sabotaged and her losing her cool is funny xD
Melt: The day has finally come... In just an hour everything will be mine. Though some little things remain, everything must come to an end. A star is destined to retired as a star. A bird never fouls its nest before abandoning it. For a swan like me, this is the perfect way to end things.
Hehe, hahahahahahaha! Ah geez, this is awesome! Nothing beats how happy I’m feeling right now! The biggest nuisance BB is gone, no other annoying boss characters left either! Yay!
Announcer: Fire broke out at the factory. The manager has run away. Protea, scouted to be the giant kaiju has been put down. Cannot compress EXP points to Melt-sama. Recommend starting all over.
Melt: Hey Siri, come again? My brain couldn’t compute that just now.
Announce: Repeat. You lost everything. Please redo the whole thing.
Melt: .......that so. Well, what happened happened. No I’m cool, I’m perfectly cool. This is Gudao’s masterplan isn’t it. I expected no less. (menacing lip licking) But I still have my turn you know? Right now I’ll go upstage and drain each and every member of the audience. Should be enough of a level-up to beat you pests into a pulp, right?
Announcer: I think you should say “Hey Siri, tell me the bad news” now.
Melt: ...Hey Siri, tell me the bad news.
Announcer: For some reason all the audience is gone. Currently, all Melt-sama has in your possession is a flat (read: pettanko) zero.
Melt: Hey Siri, eat shit and die!
Turns out the Gudao group shout to the audience that not only should they should leave because of danger, since Melt is unable to perform, they will instead host an equally beautiful “golden songs from Her Majesty Nero, or rather 10 songs, no make it a 3-day 3-night all-you-can-listen-until-you-faint show!”
Nero: wow! To be able to convince the audience to leave so quickly, the MC must have conveyed my direction really well!
Fuuma: (looks to me they’re running away in fear, but I should probably avoid pointing that out...)
Part 2 will prolly cover Jeanne's dolphin railgun and Okita's ridiculous backstory :D
Percy Jackson and the Olympians Season 1 Episode 5 (pt 1)
I know this took a really long time, hope you guys like it. submitted by TheGhostofHomer to camphalfblood [link] [comments]
If you work for Disney, this is a pitch.
Jack Dylan Grazer as Percy Jackson
Cassidy Nugent as Annabeth Chase
Nick Palatas as Grover Underwood
Liv Tyler as the Nereid
Sylvester Stallone as Gabe Ugliano
Barbra Walters as herself
Vin Diesel as Crusty
Idris Elba as Charon
Andy Serkis as Evil Voice
Hugo Weaving as Hades
Dwayne Johnson as Ares
Percy Jackson and the Olympians:
Season one episode five: “And I Thought Airport Security Was Ridiculous” or “Will the Real Lightning Thief Please Stand Up?” screenplay
INT – LAS VEGAS TAXI CAB – EARLY NOON
PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER get into the back of a taxi cab.
(Bored, uninterested, cigar in mouth)
Where to, kids?
Los Angeles, please.
(Raises eyebrow, puffs on cigar)
Dat’s three hundred miles from here, miss. You’ll have to pay upfront.
Do you take casino debit cards?
Depends. I’ll have to give it a swipe.
ANNABETH hands the cab driver her LotusCash card, and he looks at it skeptically. He rolls his eyes and swipes it, and the meter begins rattling and the lights on it flash. When an infinity symbol appears on the meter, the cabby’s cigar drops out of his mouth in shock.
W-where in Los Angeles, your highness?
(Sits up a little, smiles)
Santa Monica pier, please. Get us there by evening, and you can keep the change.
The cabby slams down the gas pedal, and several cars honk at him as he flies down the street. As they head through the Mojave desert, PERCY tells ANNABETH and GROVER about the dream he had before they went to the Lotus Hotel and Casino.
… And then the voice in the pit saw me. He showed me my mother… and a black throne carved with faces screaming in agony. And then…
… The undead soldiers put a red robe and a laurel of thorns on me… and then I became one of them.
Well that got dark fast.
There’s something else. The guy in the cloak, the Lightning Thief, called the voice something… The… “Something” One…
Well that’s incredibly unspecific. Was it the Rich One? The Silent One? Those are both nicknames for HADES.
Well, the throne sounds like the way HADES’S throne is described. Black obsidian carved with faces of damnation.
Yeah but… the throne wasn’t the main part of the dream. And the voice in the pit… I dunno, it just doesn’t feel like the voice of a god. It seemed… older.
ANNABETH’S eye get wide with dread.
What? What’s wrong?
(A bit uneasy)
N-nothing. I was just thinking… no. It has to be HADES. He probably sent the Lightning Thief to steal the MASTER BOLT, and something must’ve went wrong-
-I don’t know. But to steal something as important as the MASTER BOLT, and the fact that ZEUS has his best trackers on the job, a lot of stuff could go wrong. So, the thief could’ve hidden the bolt, or maybe even lost it. Anyway, the thief failed to deliver the BOLT to HADES, that’s what the voice in your dream said, right? The Lightning Thief failed. That explains what the Furies were looking for when they attacked us on the bus. They probably thought we had the BOLT.
PERCY notices a hint of anxiety in ANNABETH’S eyes, and sees that she seems to be shaking a bit.
But… if HADES thinks I already have the BOLT, why would I be coming to the UNDERWORLD?
To blackmail him into giving your mom back.
You know, you have pretty dark thoughts for a goat.
But… the voice said he was waiting for two items. If the MASTER BOLT’S one, what’s the other?
(Turns to ANNABETH, knowing look in his eyes)
You know what it is, don’t you? The voice in the pit?
PERCY, I… let’s not talk about it. It’s probably HADES.
I just… I just feel like there’s something we’re still missing.
Well, I guess we’ll find the answer in the UNDERWORLD.
PERCY forlornly looks out the window at the desert scenery whizzing past.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH - SUNSET
The kids head to the edge of the surf.
Well? What now?
PERCY stares out over the ocean, and gets a longing look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking in the ocean air, and slowly steps into the water.
PERCY? What are you-
PERCY ignores her, and continues walking into the water.
Dude, do you have any idea how polluted that water is?
PERCY, get out of there. You’ll grow a third-
Once PERCY gets chest deep into the water, he dives under, disappearing from ANNABETH and GROVER’S view.
EXT – UNDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – SAME TIME
PERCY holds his breath at first, then remembers he can breathe underwater, and lets himself breathe normally.
That’s gonna take some getting used to.
He looks around the water, curious, then notices a mako shark right beside him.
PERCY calms down when he realizes the shark is not trying to harm him, and it nuzzles up against him like a dog. PERCY hesitantly touches the shark’s dorsal fin, and it bucks gently, inviting PERCY to hold on tighter. PERCY grabs onto the shark’s fin, and it takes off, blasting through the water like a rocket, pulling PERCY along.
The shark pulls PERCY deeper and deeper into the ocean.
Where are you taking me?
The shark begins to slow down, and PERCY catches his breath when they come to a huge, gaping, pitch black canyon.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Quiet, gentle, far away)
PERCY is surprised to hear the voice of the river spirit he spoke to in St. Louis.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
PERCY makes out a light in the darkness of the canyon, and it slowly gets bigger until he sees beautiful woman with black hair, her body glowing gently with white light, wearing a flowing, greenish-white silk dress. She dismounts, smiles, and gives PERCY a small bow. Her giant seahorse and the mako shark begin playfully chasing each other.
You have come far, my hero. Well done.
PERCY awkwardly bows, as she did.
You are prince, PERCY JACKSON, you need not bow to me.
You’re the spirit I talked to in the Mississippi River, aren’t you?
Yes, child. I am a Nereid, a spirit of the sea. It was not easy for me to travel so far up river, but my freshwater cousins, the naiads, were able to help me sustain myself. The naiads honor your father, though they do not serve in his court.
And… you do? Serve in his court, I mean?
Indeed. I must say, it has been many long years since a son of the sea god has been born. My sisters and I have watched over you with great interest.
(Confused, a bit resentful)
If my dad’s so interested in me, why doesn’t he come talk to me in person?
A cold current rises out of the canyon, and almost knocks PERCY off his feet.
Do not judge the Lord of the Sea too harshly. Your father is incredibly busy; he now stands on the brink of an unwanted war. And apart from that, your father is forbidden from helping you directly. Gods mustn’t show favoritism, you know.
(Surprised, a bit sad)
Even to their own children?
Especially to their own children. However, the gods can work through indirect influences, which is why your father has sent me to give you a warning; and a gift.
The Nereid holds out her hand, and shows PERCY three gleaming white pearls.
You journey to the realm of HADES. Few have returned from that place; Orpheus, who possessed great musical skill, Hercules, who possessed great strength, Houdini, who could escape even the depths of TARTARUS. Have you any of these talents?
Um… well… no.
But you possess something else, PERCY JACKSON. Gifts you have yet to know. The oracles have foretold great and terrible future for you, should you survive to manhood. Your father would not have you die before your time comes. Therefore, he wishes to give you these pearls. When you are in need, smash them at your feet.
(Tentatively takes the pearls)
… What do they do?
That depends on the manner of your need. But remember this; what belongs to the sea will always return to the sea.
(Stares at the pearls with wonder)
You said you also came to give me a warning. What is it?
Listen to your heart, or you shall fail. HADES feeds upon doubt and hopelessness. He will try to trick you into mistrusting yourself. Once you enter the Realm of the Dead, he will never willingly let you leave. You must keep strong, and have faith.
The Nereid mounts her giant seahorse, and slowly descends back into the dark canyon.
Good luck, PERCY JACKSON.
Wait! Back in St. Louis, you told me not to trust “the gifts”. What gifts?
(Voice becoming distant)
Farewell, my young hero. Listen to your heart…
The Nereid disappears into the darkness, leaving PERCY alone with the mako shark. PERCY gives the pearls an empty look, then begins swimming back to the surface.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH – A FEW MINUTES LATER
PERCY shows the pearls to his friends.
This can’t be good. No gift ever comes for free.
But… she just gave them to me. No strings attached.
You ever heard the saying, “No such thing as a free lunch”? It’s an Ancient Greek saying that works pretty well in English, especially in America. There will be a price, just wait and see.
PERCY puts the pearls in his pocket, a slightly worried/disappointed look on his face. Later, as night falls, the kids cautiously wander around L.A., police sirens blaring in the back ground. ANNABETH notices a cop car coming, and pulls the boys into an alley. Once the cop car passes, they cautiously leave the alley.
Phew… that was a close-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he sees a his stepdad GABE, who is sitting with a pretty blonde woman, being interviewed by Barbra Walters on a TV in an appliance store.
GABE: (ON TV SCREEN)
Honest, Ms. Walters, if it weren’t for Sugar here, my grief counselor, I… I don’t know what I’d do. My stepson took everything I care about… my wife… my car… I just…
For some reason I don’t think she’s a grief counselor.
(Wipes away fake tear)
I’m sorry, I have a hard time talkin’ bout it.
(Overly dramatic, turns to camera)
There you have it, America. A man torn apart. An adolescent boy with serious issues. Here’s the last known photo of the troubled young fugitive, taken in Denver, Colorado, about a week ago.
A grainy image of PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER talking to ARES outside the diner in Denver comes up on the screen next to Barbra Walters.
Who are the other children in this photo? Who is the man with them? Is PERCY JACKSON simply a delinquent, a terrorist, or perhaps the brainwashed victim of a frightening new cult? When we come back, we’ll chat with leading child psychologist. Stay tuned, America.
PERCY’S face becomes twisted with fury, and GROVER gently grabs him by the shoulder.
Come on, dude. Let’s get going.
The kids begin wandering around L.A., and become nervous when they notice some shady people hanging around. They past by some people who look like gangbangers, bums, and various other suspicious looking people.
GRUFF MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
PERCY, startled, stops, and a homeless looking man comes out of an alley.
Spare some change?
Um… sorry, no.
Several other bums come out of the dark alley, and when the kids try to run, several bums come up from behind them, staring the kids down threateningly. The first bum pulls out a switch blade, and PERCY uncaps Riptide, shocking the bums. PERCY swings his blade at the bum leader, but it passes through him as if he were a hologram.
Oh right, I, uh… I forgot about that.
ANNABETH kicks one of the bums in the crotch, causing him to crumple to the ground in pain.
The kids start running down the sidewalk, the bums chasing after them, shouting at them to come back. The kids rush around a corner, and ANNABETH sees an open shop called “CRUSTY’S WATER BED PALACE”.
The kids run into the shop, hide behind a display bed in the window, and the bums run past.
Phew… I think we lost them.
MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, IN UNISON:
The kids turn around to see a tall, pale, bald man in a tacky leisure suit and silver chains around his neck, standing right behind them.
TALL BALD MAN:
(Grinning creepily, showing off yellow teeth)
How ya’ll doin? I’m Crusty.
(Holding back a laugh, quiet)
Yes, you are.
(Slightly embarrassed, awkward)
I said, uh… sorry to barge… in.
Hidin’ from them lowlifes, huh? Yeah, they hang around here every night. I get a lotta people comin’ in here cuz of them. So…
(Gestures around shop)
… Can I interest you kids in a water bed?
Um… I mean, uh… I don’t really think I need-
CRUSTY gracefully sweeps up behind PERCY, grabs him by the shoulders, and pushes him deeper into the shop.
Uh, okay, this is weird…
CRUSTY proudly gestures to a vibrating bed with lava lamps and black satin sheets.
Million hand massage. Why don’t you lie down? Hell, take a nap, I don’t care.
Um, no, I think we’ll be leave-
Dude, million hand massage?! No way!
GROVER jumps into the massage bed.
O-oh d-dude, th-this is s-so s-sweet!
(Disappointed, stroking chin)
Hmm, not quite…
Huh? Not quite what?
(Takes ANNABETH by the shoulder)
Do me a favor, honey, and try this one over here.
CRUSTY ushers ANNABETH over to a bed, and tries pushing her into it.
Hey! Get your hands off-
Ropes grow out from under the bed, and strap ANNABETH down to the mattress.
Hey! LET ME GO!
GROVER tries to get out of his bed, but ropes tie him down as well.
I-it’s n-not s-sweet a-anymore, d-dudes!
(Steps back, shocked)
What the hell are you-
(Quickly places hand behind PERCY’S neck)
Whoa, take it easy, kid. I’ll get you your own bed in a sec.
Let my friends go.
Oh don’t worry, I will. Soon as I make ‘em fit.
Fit? What do you-
Lemme explain. All the beds are exactly six feet. Your friends are too short, see, so I gotta stretch ‘em out a bit. Can’t stand imperfect measurements…
CRUSTY snaps his fingers again, and more ropes wrap around GROVER and ANNABETH’S feet and arms, and begin slowly stretching them. PERCY watches in horror as his friends scream in pain.
Let them go, now!
Don’t worry, they only need a few inches. Hell, they might even survive! Now, why don’t we get you set up with a bed you like, huh?
(Screaming in pain)
(Screaming in pain)
Your name’s not really CRUSTY, is it?
Legally, it’s PROCRUSTES.
The Stretcher. The one who tried to kill Theseus with hospitality.
That’s me. But who can pronounce Procrustes? ‘Crusty’ on the other hand, much easier to market.
(Eyes get wide, gets an idea)
Uh… yeah! I totally agree. Has a nice ring to it.
You think so?
Oh, absolutely. And the craftsmanship on these beds is simply fabulous.
I tell my customers that all the time. I mean, how many beds have you seen with lava lamps built into the headboards?
Not too many.
(Angry, confused, screaming in pain)
PERCY!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?
Don’t mind her. She couldn’t never understand the art of a well crafted bed.
None of my customers do. Never exactly six feet, so inconsiderate. And then they have the nerve to complain about the fittings!
So… what do you do if they’re taller than six feet?
Oh, easy fix. I just center the customer best I can, then grab my trusty friend here-
(Lets go of PERCY’S neck, reaches behind desk, pulls out huge, double sided bronze axe)
- And I lop off whatever hangs off either side!
Oh… well, I mean, that’s just perfectly sensible.
Oh, you have no idea what it feels like to finally have an intelligent customer!
PERCY worriedly look over to his friends, ANNABETH gasping for air, struggling against the ropes, GROVER making strangled gurgling sounds.
So… CRUSTY, my man, this bed…
(Gestures to giant heart shaped bed with red satin sheets)
… Does it really have dynamic stabilizers to stop wave motion?
Sure does. Why don’t you give it a try?
(Stroking chin, pretending to be interested)
Yeah, maybe I will. But… would it work even for a big guy like you?
Really? No waves at all?
(Pretending to be skeptical)
PROCRUSTES puts his axe down, lies in the bed, and pats the mattress.
See? No waves at all-
Ropes spring out of the sides of the bed, tying PROCRUSTES down to it, his head hanging off the top.
(Frowns, feigning disappointment)
Oooh, sorry, man. Looks like you don’t quite fit…
… Let me make a few adjustments.
Whoa, uh, y-you drive a hard bargain, kid. Tell you what; let me go, and I, uh… I’ll give you thirty percent off any of the floor models!
(Sarcastic, pretending to consider offer)
Really? Any of the floor models?
Y-yep! A-and no money down. And no interest for six months.
Hm. That’s a pretty tempting offer. But I think I have a better one.
Really? What’s that?
(Raises Riptide, aiming for PROCRUSTES’S neck)
Go to TARTARUS.
That’s not a-
PERCY swings Riptide down, and chops off PROCRUSTES’S head, turning the giant salesman to yellow dust and black smoke, then quickly cuts GROVER and ANNABETH’S ropes.
You look taller.
Very funny. Could you maybe be faster saving us next time?
PERCY heads behind CRUSTY’S desk, and begins flipping through papers. He finds a pouch of drachmas, and puts them in his pocket, then finds a map.
So, who’s ready to go to the UNDERWORLD?
Dude, give me a sec…
(Stretches, back makes sickening ‘pop’ sound)
Oooo, that was good. Okay, I’m ready.
(Holds up map he found on CRUSTY’S desk)
Because it’s right around the block.
EXT – VALENCIA BOULEVARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER
The kids stand outside of a record store with a sign made of black marble engraved with gold lettering that reads: DOA RECORDING STUDIOS, and stenciled words on the glass door that reads: NO SOLICITING, NO LOITERING, NO LIVING.
Well, this was not what I was expecting.
What were you expecting?
I dunno. Like, a hole by the Hollywood sign that opens when you read some Ancient Greek graffiti?
(Looks directly into the camera)
… Okay, whatever. Anyway, you guys remember the plan?
Yep. The plan. Love the plan.
And what if the plan goes wrong?
(Trying to be reassuring)
Oh come on, don’t be so negative, ANNABETH.
Oh yes, PERCY. We’re about to enter the Land of the Dead, but I’m sure if we don’t think negative, we’ll be just fine.
PERCY takes the Nereid’s pearls out of his pocket, and stares at them glumly.
(Kind, places hand on PERCY’S shoulder)
I’m sorry, PERCY. You’re right. Well make it.
ANNABETH gives GROVER a nudge.
(Nervous, trying to be reassuring)
Y-yeah! I mean, we’ve made it this far, right? We’ll get the BOLT, save your mom, and save the world.
(Smiles, then gets serious)
Alright. Let’s kick some UNDERWORLD ass.
INT – DOA RECORDING STUDIOS – SAME TIME
The kids enter DOA, Muzak playing softly. The walls are steel gray, the furniture black leather. There are people hanging about the lobby, but at closer glance, they are slightly see through, as if they were made of smoke. The kids head to the main desk, which is raised up on a podium. The security guard behind the desk has a military style haircut, dyed bleach blonde, wearing tortoiseshell shades and a white silk Italian suit, with a black rose pinned to his lapel, and a silver name tag.
(Leans forwards, reads name tag, bewildered)
Your name is CHIRON?
(Leans over, smiling, soothing voice)
What a precious lad you are. Tell me, do I look like a centaur?
(Gestures to name tag)
Take a closer look, now. It’s C-H-A-R-O-N. Now say it with me, CARE-ON.
(A bit irritated)
Ah-mazing. Now, Mr. CHARON.
(Rolls his eyes)
Well done. I do hate being confused with that old horse. Now, how may I help you little dead ones?
PERCY looks over at ANNABETH.
(A bit uncomfortable)
Well, we uh, wanna go to the UNDERWORLD.
(Blunt, a bit surprised)
Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.
I, uh- it is?
Oh, absolutely. Just straightforward and honest, no screaming, no “Oh, please, Mr. CHARON, please give me another chance!”.
(Grins, clasps hands)
So, how did you loves die?
PERCY clears his throat.
Oh! We uh, we drowned. In a bathtub.
All three of you at once?
I-it was a really big bathtub.
Naturally. I don’t suppose you have coins for passage, though. If you were adults, I could charge your American Express, or add the ferry fee to your last cable bill. But children…
… Alas, they never die prepared, it seems. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a seat for a few centuries.
Oh, we have coins.
(Places three drachmas on the desk)
(Licks lips, excited)
My my… real golden drachmas… I haven’t seen those in…
(Hand hovers over drachmas, becomes suspicious)
Here now, just a minute ago, you read my name tag wrong. Are you dyslexic, mate?
(A bit nervous)
No, I’m dead.
(Leans forward, stares the kids down)
You’re not dead.
(Sniffs the air, disdainful)
Two godlings and a satyr. I should have known.
Okay, first of all, I didn’t want to be a half-blood, and second, we really need to get to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON makes a strange, growling sound in his throat, and the spirits waiting around the lobby start moving around, restless, lighting cigarettes, fidgeting with their watches, etc.
Why don’t you leave now, and I’ll just forget I saw you.
CHARON starts to reach for the drachmas, but PERCY snatches them away.
No service, no tip.
CHARON growls again, the spirits start banging on the elevator door.
(Pretending to be disappointed)
It’s really a shame. We had more to offer.
PERCY holds up the pouch of drachmas he took from CRUSTY’S place, pulls out a fistful of the golden coins, and lets them run through his fingers.
(Slightly hungry look on face)
You think I can be bought, godling? Hmmm, just out of curiosity, how much you got there?
A lot. So… what’s your pay like, huh? HADES being good to you, or…?
Ugh, you don’t know the half of it. Babysitting these spirits for eternity, always with “Please don’t let me be dead”, “Please let me go in for free”, all day, everyday. I haven’t had a raise in almost three thousand years. I mean, look at me.
(Gestures to his suit)
… You think dressing this good is cheap?
(Nodding, slowly drops a few drachmas on the desk)
Clearly, you deserve better wages as, uh… compensation for the, um… mentally taxing environment you work in.
PERCY glances over at ANNABETH, who quickly nods approvingly.
You know, mate? I think you might be starting to talk some sense.
(Strokes chin, thinking)
Hm… boat’s almost full anyway… tell you what, lad. While you’re talking to the boss man, if you were to mention something about giving me a raise…
I guess I could drop a subtle hint or two.
(Smiles coldly, grabs drachmas)
Come along, then.
CHARON begins pushing through the spirits of the dead, the kids follow him. As CHARON pushes through the spirits, they whisper and wail incomprehensible gibberish.
CHARON opens the elevator doors, and they get in with several spirits already in the elevator.
(Turns to face the spirits still in the lobby)
No one get any ideas while I’m gone. And if anyone changes the station from easy-listening again, you’ll all be waiting here for another thousand years.
The elevator doors close, and CHARON slides a key card into the slot on the panel, and the elevator begins to descend.
So… what happens to the spirits in the lobby?
Oh… for how long?
Forever. Or until I’m feeling generous.
Well that’s fair.
Nothing about death is fair, love. You’ll find that out for yourself soon enough where you’re heading.
We’ll get out alive.
Suddenly, PERCY becomes a bit woozy, blinks a few times, and sees that CHARON’S Italian suit has been replaced by a gray tunic and a black cloak, and his tortoiseshell shades have disappeared, revealing his eyes to be empty black pits. PERCY notices the modern clothes of the spirits become tattered gray cloaks.
(Realizes he was staring at CHARON’S strange eyes)
CHARON’S face slowly becomes transparent, showing off his grinning skull. The elevator suddenly starts swaying.
(Holds his hand up to his mouth as if about to vomit)
Oh, dude… I’m gonna be sick…
PERCY becomes a bit woozy again, and suddenly the elevator has become a wooden barge, gently drifting down an oily, black river littered with all sorts of things, from college diplomas, dolls, money, and jewelry.
The River Styx… it’s so…
Polluted. For thousands of years, the spirits of the dead have thrown in everything they can’t take with them; hopes, dreams, wishes that never came true. Irresponsible waste management, if you ask me.
Mist begins curling off the river, PERCY glances up to see huge stalactites, and then sees a strange, poison-green light glowing faintly in the distance. PERCY and ANNABETH begin nervously looking around at the spirits around them, and ANNABETH grabs PERCY’S hand. CHARON rows down the river a bit, and soon, they find themselves approaching the shores of the UNDERWORLD, craggy rocks and black volcanic sand, and about a hundred yards up the shore, a huge, stone wall that seems to go on forever in either direction. The kids become more uneasy when they here a deep, powerful howling sound somewhere in the distance.
(His face almost entirely transparent)
Ol’ three face is hungry. Too bad for you, godlings.
The boat slides up onto the black shores, and PERCY sadly watches the spirits shuffle out of the boat. PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER hesitantly depart the boat.
So long, mates. I’d wish you luck, but there’s none down here.
CHARON begins rowing away.
Oh, and don’t forget to mention my raise.
CHARON eventually disappears from PERCY’S sight, and the kids forlornly trudge up the path with the spirits. As they get closer to the gate, PERCY sees that the gates of the UNDERWORLD seem to be modeled after airport security, with three different entrances with a sign over them that reads: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING EREBUS. Beyond the gates, there are some tollbooth-like structures manned by ghoulish black robed figures like CHARON. PERCY notices lots of spirits moving right along to a gate with a sign over it that reads: EZ DEATH.
(Points to quick moving line)
What do you make of that?
Probably goes to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. It’s the place where spirits go if they’re too scared to face judgment in court.
There’s a court for the dead?
Yep. There’s three judges, and HADES switches them around once in a while. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare, people like that. The judges look at a person’s life, and if they were really good, they get to go to ELYSIUM. If they were really bad, the judges decide on a punishment. But for most people… well, most people never do anything really special in their lives, good or evil, so they go to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL.
Oh… and… what exactly happens in ASPHODEL?
Imagine wandering around in a wheat field.
Well, that doesn't sound so-
… Oh. I guess that would kinda suck.
(Eyes wide with fear, points to something)
Not as much as that.
PERCY and ANNABETH look where GROVER is pointing, and see two black robed ghouls grab one of the spirits in line, who begins sniffing him down. They ghouls growl angrily, and begin dragging the shrieking spirit away towards one of the gates.
(Worried, a bit scared)
Where are they taking him?
FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT, probably. The Furies will set up whatever punishment the judges decide on.
As the kids slowly approach the gates, they hear the howling sound again, but still can’t see where it is coming from. As they get closer to the gates, a huge, a shadowy figure slowly becomes visible, and starts to form the dark, transparent shape of a massive three-headed dog, towering over them, growling.
H-he’s a rottweiler?
(Slowly turns head towards PERCY)
Wow, PERCY. There is, standing in front of us, a three-headed dog twice the size of an elephant, with teeth the size of cinder blocks, and more than likely wants to make us his midnight snack, and the first thing you think to say is, “He’s a rottweiler”?
I’m just trying to ease the tension.
The kids slowly approach CERBERUS, and notice the giant dog is becoming more visible.
I’m starting to see him better… why?
Well… it’s probably because we’re becoming closer to death.
CERBERUS stoops one of his heads, and begins sniffing.
He can smell the living.
(Trembling with fear)
Yeah. B-b-but it’s okay, cuz we g-g-gotta plan, right?
(Small, quiet, terrified)
Yeah. Th-th-the plan.
The kids inch closer the CERBERUS, and the three-headed dog barks so loud, the world seems to shake.
I, uh, don’t think humans have a four letter word that translates exactly.
PERCY reaches into his backpack, pulling out a broken bedpost.
(Nervous, trying to be calm)
H-hey boy, I bet they don’t play with you much down here, huh?
CERBERUS lets out a thunderous bark.
(Waves the stick around)
Y-you see the stick?
CERBERUS’S middle head follows the stick, the other two heads fixed directly on PERCY.
PERCY throws the bedpost, and CERBERUS watches it, unflinching. The stick disappears into the gloom, and splashes into the River Styx. CERBERUS turns his three heads back onto the kids, and growls menacingly.
Just thought you should know, CERBERUS says we have ten seconds to pray to the god of our choice before we become Cerby snacks.
CERBERUS begins snarling, saliva dripping from his three jaws, and ANNABETH’S eyes get wide.
Wait! I have an idea.
(Start rifling through backpack)
CERBERUS gets into an attack position.
Um, so I’m thinking maybe we should run now?
(Frantically looking through backpack)
CERBERUS roars, and starts to lunge forward when ANNABETH whips a red rubber ball out of her backpack, and the giant dog stops mid lunge, curious.
See the ball, boy? You want the ball? Sit!
CERBERUS cocks his heads, confused.
To PERCY and GROVER’S surprise, CERBERUS sits, crushing several spirits, who pass through him, shouting angrily in some sort of gibberish.
ANNABETH throws the ball, which CERBERUS catches in his middle mouth. The other two heads start snapping at the ball.
CERBERUS whimpers, and gently drops the ball at ANNABETH’S feet, almost bitten in half and covered in slobber.
(Picks up ball)
(Glances back at PERCY and GROVER)
Go. EZ DEATH line, it’s faster.
PERCY and GROVER reluctantly start inching forward, CERBERUS growls.
Stay! You want the ball? Then stay!
What about you?
I know what I’m doing, PERCY. Kinda.
PERCY and GROVER cautiously walk under the giant dog’s legs.
ANNABETH throws the ball to CERBERUS, and quickly walks under him while the three heads fight over the ball.
How’d you do that?
Obedience school. When I was really little, my dad got a doberman, and-
Dudes, less talking, more running.
The kids bolt for the EZ DEATH line, and ANNABETH stops when she hears CERBERUS whining behind her. She turns around to face him, and sees the giant dog panting, the ball torn to bits at his feet.
(Shaky voice, sad smile)
Good boy. I’ll bring you another ball soon. Would you like that?
CERBERUS whines, and lower his three heads.
(Petting CERBERUS’S head, holding back tears)
G-good boy. I’ll visit you, okay? I… I promise.
ANNABETH… we have to go.
ANNABETH sadly walks away from CERBERUS, and passes through the EZ DEATH line with the boys. As they walk through the metal detector, alarms begin blaring, and CERBERUS starts barking.
Unauthorized possessions! Magic items detected!
The kids run through the gate into the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL, pushing through disgruntled spirits as black robed ghoulish security guards chase after them, shrieking and wailing. The kids scramble down the ridge of a road, and hide in the rotten trunk of a large, black tree. The ghouls run past the tree, still wailing and shrieking. The kids stay in the trunk for a bit to make sure the ghouls are gone.
Your plans suck, dude.
Yeah, well, you’re a donkey.
(Takes quick look around the corner to make sure it’s safe)
Alright, they’re gone. We should-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he notices ANNABETH sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes, and hears CERBERUS howling mournfully in the distance.
(Gently places hands on ANNABETH’S shoulders)
Come on. We have to get out of here.
ANNABETH nods, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, and takes PERCY’S hand.
Part 2 will be out soon.
How do I help a player understand he needs to stop going against the inquisition
TLDR: Pyker fails to understand that being a Psyker and doing anything even semi-heretical is an executable offence (first time player of any RPG and first taste of 40k lore, but I did explain that psykers are really powerful and the Imperium really keeps them in check), complains that the rest of the group is hard on him but I tell him that they would act the same way towards any other PC that acted like he did submitted by GustavoBanan to 40krpg [link] [comments]
Full story: I am running a 6 person DH2 (originally DH1 but we converted) game which includes -An Arbite -A feudal-world knight -A thief -a tech priest -a sanctioned Psyker -an Astra Telepathica background assassin (basically trained as a psykers handler a la Only War but discovered she's much better at killing them than looking after them)
Throughout the course of the game the Psyker has kind of forgotten that the Imperium keeps a very tight leash on what psykers can or can't do, as well as some symbols and amulets are big no-no's for them.
The first instance was when they were investigating someone killing psykers on a hive world. Him and the thief convinced the Arbites that the casino near the crime scene might have picked up footage of the killer. Of course the real reason was they wanted to make some money. They were both warned by the bouncer and the Arbite that psykers weren't allowed to gambleby planetary law.
Cut to the Psyker using the Trick power (bonus to gambling) and got perils of the Warp. Everyone within 19 meters heard warp ghosts and recieved a small amount of corruption. The bouncer and assassin immediately escort the Psyker out before the bouncers could get to him. Once outside the assassin pulls out her gun and warns him not to do any more psychic stuff unless necessary. The Psyker immediately tries to make her forget who he was and what just happened.
Needless to say the Psyker was shot, the Arbite then handcuffed him for the rest of the mission unless they were in combat, and none of the players let him near any important NPCs.
Now lore-wise I know he should have been executed on the spot, and I did tell him that, but he then complains how unfair they treated him.
The second instance is when they were investigating someone smuggling heretical artefacts through a noble's estate. The noble says that he kept one of the artifacts, not knowing they were heretical, and that his son was buried with it. The Psyker goes down to the crypt to retrieve it. He sees the necklace with the symbol of Tzeentch on it, rolls not horribly on his forbidden lore (psykers) skill, so I tell him that he doesnt know what the symbol is but he remembers that it is bad news especially for psykers and to stay away from such symbols. He rolls Psyniscience to understand what it does, learns it gives him +1 Psy Rating while wearing it, but gains a little bit of corruption as well for his trouble. He immediately puts it on.
When he comes back upstairs the party asks him if he found it. He says he is wearing it. The Arbites pulls out his gun and tells the Psyker to not do anything until they get the warp containment box (basically a money box with a bunch of hexagramatical wards everywhere) to stick it in. The assassin tries to detect if the Psyker even has the thing on him, the Psyker panics and tries to activate flame shield to deter anyone from attacking him. Rolls perils of the warp, gravity reverses for a few seconds.
Cue the Arbites trying to manacle the Psyker, the assassin missing and hitting the thief, the thief popping a smoke so he doesn't get shot again, and the Psyker legging it out the room. He tells everyone he's going back to the crypt and to meet him when they've calmed down. The Psyker manages to have a minute before everyone barges in. He then decides to remove the chain from the necklace, loot a signet ring off of a nearby corpse, and make a fake necklace. He then shoves the Tzeentchian artefact up his brown eye of terror.
The party finally convince him to show the real artefact after the noble confirms the fake is just a signer ring on a chain, and then complains when they lock up his power-up. After telling him that this was the best case scenario, he still seems a bit salty.
How do I make it painfully obvious that he needs to stop? I was thinking either the Inquisitor shows up and beats him up a bit or he gets told he needs to kill a Psyker that was doing the exact same thing. The Inquisitor isn't with them atm as all of their missions are checking up on unlikely leads while the Inquisitor checks out the most important clues.
EDIT: Thank you all for your answers. What I'm gonna do is explain to him in depth about why people are being super suspicious of him, considering he's a Psyker. After their current investigation wraps up the Inquisitor is gonna replace the "no killing other acolytes" rule with "kill other acolytes if they are actively hindering the investigation/threatening to expose the investigation/do outright heretical shit without an insanely good reason". And also to punish the group for letting it get so out of hand he's gonna send them to stop random demonic incursions on a shrine world. And also gonna get the Psyker to kill another Psyker for doing the same thing using only his hands
Please pass on...hotel room checks are the norm.
I work at one of the hotels on the strip. My job is to conduct daily room inspections on rooms that haven’t been entered by a casino employee with a 24-48 hour time frame. This usually applies to guests staying at the hotel who decide to opt out of daily housekeeping in exchange for a small credit to use at the casino property. submitted by oprahsnewbookclub to vegas [link] [comments]
The room check is very simple: a 30 second visual of the room, we punch in a code on the room phone that alerts security that everything is well, and that’s it! We don’t rummage through any belongings or open drawers.
We always acknowledge ourselves and knock at least 3 times before entering the room and we NEVER barge into the room. We have all our proper ID’s presented on ourselves so you know who we are and that we work there.
I want to pass this on to fellow Las Vegans who have friends or family coming to town so that it’s not a surprise when someone comes knocking on their hotel door. I’ve had so many guests complain about how this is an invasion of privacy or they simply don’t understand why we have to do this, even if we explain it a million times. (btw, the casino has every right to come in to your room.)
This is for everyone’s own safety. I think it’s great that the hotels are stepping up to ensure the guests are safe during their vacations. Times are changing and in wake of recent events in our city’s history, this a necessary security.
Update: October 23 2018
I’ll preface this, I respect everyone’s right to privacy. What goes on behind closed doors is your business. And every time I did these “room inspections”, I genuinely felt bad for intruding. Now, 90% of people got the concept or they didn’t care that I had to go in and do this. It’s the 10% of of guests that berated me, harassed me (some guy followed me out into the hallway and kept harassing me), and cussed me out that got on my fucking nerves. And I learned quickly that I don’t get paid enough to take that kind of shit from people and for what, a courtesy check to see if you’re alive? Yes, the main purpose of the job is to make sure there wasn’t any weapons or illegal activities going on. But it was also to make sure the guests were still alive and well. It is Vegas after all.
For those people complaining about invasion of privacy bullshit, when you sign for your room at the front desk, in fine print it does state that the hotel has every right to enter your room for safety checks. Just cause you “bought” the room, does not mean that you own the motherfucker. Also, “Do Not Disturb” signs are a thing of the past. If you go to hotels now in Vegas, they’ve changed it to “Room Occupied”. And also under, those words in print, it states the hotel policy to conduct theses checks.
I resigned from this job yesterday morning. I never felt so mentally exhausted everyday having to deal with people all day. The degree of customer service that I had to project everyday, coupled with having to hold my tongue back from lashing out at certain individuals , really drained me.
So everyone, enjoy your stay in Vegas. Respect the people who work there. They are just trying to do their job and go the fuck home.
List of mystery box items 737 I think .., no golden goose realty
submitted by D1rtymaca1 to tappedout [link] [comments]
Acid Pools Acorn Kirk Adil Hoxha African Tree Resort Air Fortress Ajax Steel Mill and Roscoe Akiro and The Happy Sumo Alcatraaaz and Mansion Alison Taylor and Taylor House All American Apu All Seeing Eye Alley McBalls Ambulance Ancient Burial Ground Ancient Ruins Animatronic Bears Annual Gift Man Apus Apocalypse Jeep Aqua World Arc De Triomphe Ark of the Stonecovenant Arnie Pye Asia DeCuba Atlantis Atombic Bomb Attack Helicopter Auxillary Agency HQ Aztec Theatre Baby Gerald Bad Dream House and the Raven Bagpipe Bus Balance Beam and Gymnastics Lisa Banana Dictatorship Bandit Fort Bare Chested Willie Barney and Bowlarama Barracks Bart Balloon Bartman Cave Bartman Cave Basketball Game Battle Dome Battling Seizure Robot BBQ Pig Beach Hideaway Beach House Bear Cave Beer N Brawl and Lurleen Beersein Wiggum Belle and Maison Derriere Best Snowman Ever BGM and the Jazz Hole Big Bug House Big Butt Skinner Balloon Big Claw Big Digi Ben Black Leather Plane Blackbeard Blackbeard and Ghost Pirate Airship Blarney Castle Blasting Bass Blocko Store Blue Haired Lawyer Blue Nerd Blue Nerd Knight Blue Nerd Rogue Boardwalk Fountain Bob Clones Bob’s Victorian House Bonestorm Santa Bookaccinos Boxing Ring Brandine Brother Faith Van Brutus Bandit Buckingham Palace Buckingham Pay Less Motel Bumblebee Mand Burns Basketball Stadium Burns Coffin Burns Limo Caesars Pow Wow Casino and Chief Café Kafka Caged Tom Turkey Camera Hat Homer Camping Tent Candy Apple Island Candy Kevin Captain Bob Carnival Float Cartoon Motel Cartoon Set Cat Bus Catapult Cavewoman Booberella Cayman Island Banker Cemetery Plot Cesears Pow Wow Sign Chateau Maison Cheddarbarrel Combine Chest of Sacred Artifacts Chester and Unfinished Shed Chez Guevara Chimp Refuge Chinese Acrobatic Theatre Chinese Junk Chinese Restaurant Chinese Takeout Box Chippy Chocolate Chapel Chopper Ride Chripy Boy and Bart Jr Christmas Tree Ralph Circle of Death Classified Records Claus Co Clobber Girl Coat of Foxes Krusty Colosseum Column Mansion CONRAD Cool Brown House and Cool Homer Costingtons and Mr. Costington Cozy Hammock Crap Silo Crate of Fireworks Crazy Cat Lady and House Crazy Plane Cremo Bot Cristo of Springfield Crouching Panda Hidden Eggroll Curvaceous Cave and Cavewoman Booberella Cybord Snake Cypress Creek Elementary Cypress Creek Home Cypress Creek Sign Dancing Reindeer Dead Lobster Death Mountain and Dr Colossus Death to Homer Missile Department of Magical Vehicles Der Krazy Kraut and Becky Deuces Caboose Chili Dogs Devil Flanders Devil Float Dia-Betty and Motherloving Sugar Go Disco Stu and Disco DMV Limo Dodgeball Court Donut Boat Donut Store Donut Torture Device Donut Truck Doorbell Fiesta Van Dr Lenny’s Lab Dr. Nick Dragon Bundle Drive In Theater Drone Duff Barney Blimp Duff Beer Car Duff Blimp Duff Center Arena Duff Gardens Duff McShark Tank Duff Party Bus Duff Party Liner Duff Stadium Duff Statue of Liberty Duffman and Duff Brewery Dunking Device Easter Island God Ebenezer Burns Efcot Center Egg Nog Bar Egyptian Playground Eisenhower 4×4 and Ike Elder Blimp Electric Car Bundle Elf Home Elf Hotel Elf Toy Workshop Bell Elixir Mixer Elysium Project Enriched Learning Center EPA Hoverjet ESBN Sports Desk Eski Moes Evil Shop Keeper Bundle Exotic Petting Zoo Eyeballs of Death Eygyptian Tent Fairy Kodos Fake Toll Booth Fancy Farms Fantastical Beastarium Father Sean Fatov Femme Fatale Ferris Wheel Festive Light Plunger Fever Cabin Fiddler Filthy Angles Orphanage Fire Eater Fireman Apu Fireman Homer Fireworks Barge Fireworks Candy and Puppy Dogs First Bank of Springfield First Church of Lard Lad First Class Lounge Five Alarm Chili Stand Five Corners Flag Bundle Flanders Frozen Car Football Nelson Football Target Football Uprights Forgotten Grave Formless Terror Fort Sensible Fortress of Lonelitude Fortune Megastore and Arthur Francesca and Italian Villa Freakmobile Freedom French Waiter Frink and his Lab Frinkosonic MHV Frink’s Mechano Spider Frink’s Robot Dog Frinkthetic Egg Generator Mk1 Frinkthetic Egg Generator MkII Frosty the Hitman Fruit Bat Man Funzo Bundle Future Monument Future Proofed Home Futuristic Jet Gabbo and Arthur Garbage Truck Ghost Zapper Giant Burning Goat Giant Ferris Wheel Giant Grasshopper Giant Lobster Scorpion Giant Outdoor Fireplace Giant Robot Giant Screamapillar Giant Snow Globe Gingerbread House Gingerbread Mansion Gino and It’s A Wonderful Knife Giuseppe and his Workshop Globex Compound Gold Records on Walls Studio Golden Calf Idol Golf Course Gone Fission Gorgeous Grampa Gorgeous Grampa Bundle Great Wall Tower Greta and Springfield Prep Grub Shack Guitar Central Gypsy Fortune Teller Shop and Maude Half Pipe Hammock District Handsome Pete Hanger 18 Hangman Cage Hank and Volcano Lair Hans Moleman Havana Private Home Health Spa Heimlich Machine Hellementary School Helter Shelter Herb Powell and Powell Motors Hi Glow Waste Barrels Himeji Castle Holiday Tree Holis and Springfield Historical Society Home of Tomorrow Homer Dog Homerclese Statue Homer’s Ballet Hooch City Hootenanny Barn Hot Air Balloon Hot Springs Hot Squishee Station Hot Tub House on Scary Hill Hover Copter Howards Flowers Hugs Bunny I Choo Choo Choose You Train Ice Cream Truck and Ice Cream Homer Ice Palace Ice Sculpture Couch Gag Scene Imaginary Bear Impossible Tower Improvised Snare Inanimate Carbon Rod Monument Incubator Think Tank Inflatable Gorilla and Baboons IRS Drone Itchy and Scratchy Billboard Itchy and Scratchy Bots Itchy Balloon Itchy Mascot Itchy’s 70s Disco Itchy’s Mine Field Jacques and Fiesta Terrace Jasper and Springfield Community Center Jay G Bundle Jazzy Goodtimes Jesse Grass Jessica and Lovejoy House Jesus and Heavenly Swingset Jet Engine Bike Jewish Heaven Jimbo Lucius Sweet Johnny Tightlips and Platos Casino Juggler Julio and Hairy Shearers Juvenile Correction Facililty K9 Officer Kamp Bart & Kamp Krusty Kane Manor Kearney Kearney’s Other Son King Homer’s Skyscraper King Snorky King Winter and his Cave Kingsize Homer Bundle Knifey Spoonet and Crocky Waters Knightboat Kodos Krusty Fountain Krusty Mansion Krusty Station Krustylu Studios Krustys Kristmas on Ice Krusty’s One Plate Maximum Buffet Kwik-E-Mart Central Office La Belle Frottage Land Octopus Pen Lard Lad Donuts Laura Powers and Powers House Le Krusty Burger Left Handed Roadster Life Sized Spruce Moose Limo Lincolns Cabin Ling Bouvier Lisa Lionheart Lisa Statue Little Helper Ralph Little Lady Justic Little Lisa’s Recycling Plant Lobster Island Lotto N Liquor and Mr. Largo Luann and Cracker Factory Luft Waffles Lugash and Gym Lumpy Bundle Macaronis Shed Madame Chaos and Mindy Magic Palace Manacek and Brick Townhomes Manger Manjula and Apu’s Apartment Mansion of Solid Gold Mapple Store Mars Colony Marvin Monroe Tombstone Mary and Springfield Opry House Maude Praiseland Statue Mausoleum and Zombie Mayan Bundle Mexican Duffman and Lady Duff Mexican Duffman Bundle Milhouse’s Trailer Milo and Coolsville Mime Mini Nuclear Warhead Miss Springfield and Sleep Eazy Motel Model Donut Moe’s House Mojo Helper Monkey Money Poll Monorail Café Montgomery Burns State Prison Moog Mount Carlmore Mozert and Concert Hall Mr. Plow Mr. Sparkle Billboard Mr. Sparkley Mt. Krustmore Murderhorn Murderpuss Muscle Marge and Shapes Gym Museum of Swordfish Mutant Peacock Mutant Rabbit Mystical Self Defence National Bank of Springfield Nativity Scene Natural Faberge Egg Nickel n Dime Animation Nighthawk Diner and Rex Nightmare Pile Ninja Homer Practice Snake Nixon and Scandelgate Hotel Norbert’s Plane North Pole Station Not a Laser Shark Pool Number 111 Number 12 Number 14 Number 2 Number 21 Number 22 Number 29 Number 314 Number 5 Number 50 Number 51 Number 59 Number 67 Number 79 Number 85 Oasis Oktoberfest Gate Old English Station Old Faithless Old Gray Mare Old Mine Old Simpson Farm Old Tree Spirit Old West Sign Open Air Stage Opera Krusty Oscars Obstacles Truck Outlands Factory Outlands Sign and Mountain Man Pagon Bonfire Park Engineer Patches and Poor Violet Peacock Lounge Peekimon Park Pet Cemetery Pet Mutant Plant Pet Mutant Seedling Pharaoh Skinner and Throne Phineas Q Butterfats Pie Man Epic Statue Pies and Explosives Pile Pies for Funs Booth Piggly’s Super Smorg Pigs of Paradise Pen Pin Pals Bundle Pinkbeardy Yogurt Pinwheel Firework Pirate Kang Pirate Prison Plane Bot Planet Htype Plastic Prison Plastic Surgery Center Plow King Pokey Police Car Police Tank Polo Field House Pompeii Ruins Pont Du Gard Pope and St. Pauls Basilica Poppa Wheelies Portal to Rigel 7 Powell Mansion Prairie Maggie Prehistoric Jungle Preppers Compound Presidential Estate P-Rex and Tar Pits Pride of Ulster Banner and Leprechaun Princess Princess K and Florence of Arabia Prospector Pumpkin House Puritan Flanders Queen H and The Castle of Equalia Quick and Fresh Quicksand Quimborghini Quitters Rabbi K and Temple Beth Springfield Radiant BS Station Radioactive Man Billboard Radioactive Man Bundle Radioactive Man Film Set Radioactive Man Milhouse Radish Station Rancho Relaxo Raouls Penthouse Raptor Ray Gun Ray Patterson Reagan and the Reeducation Center Recycle Fort Red Nerd Knight Red Nerd Rogue Red Nerd Warrior Refrigeratorium ReNeducation Center Republican Party HQ Retro Lard Lad Rich Texan Rigellian Queen Rio Days Inn Ero Robby the Automaton Robot Robot Ant Bundle Rocket Car and Chester Rocket to Your Doom Roger Meyers Story Rolling Rock Rommelwood Barracks Rose and Capital City Capitol Building Rotating Religious Holo Statue Royal Tokyo Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers and Babysitter Bandit Russ Cargill Sacagawea Santa Santa’s Anvil Santa’s Little Helper Santa’s Plane Sled Santa’s Village Santa’s Workshop Sarah Wiggum and Springfield Aquarium Satellite Station Saxophone Lisa Scary Dock School Bus and Otto Sconewall Smithers Scratchy Mascot Self Reliant House Senor Ding Dong’s Doorbell Fiesta and Senor Ding Dong Sepulchre of Evil Sequel Shop Serfsons House Shaboom Kaboom Café Shadow Knight and Throne Shary Bobbins Shauna She She Lounge Sherri and Terri Shinning Hotel and Maze Shiva Shiva Statue Shooting Car Shortys Sidekick Milhouse Simpson Houseboat Simpson Laser Tag Ski Chalet Skulls Island Slaghold SLH Topiary Slide Factory Smooches on the Beach Snake with Rudolph Sneeds Feed and Seed Snow Monster Snowman Bundle Snub Club Snugglers Cove Sophie Krustofski Soul Extraction Institute Southern Cracker Fountain Space Barney Space Coyate and Pro Shop Space Shuttle Spellementary Library Spellementary Mess Hall Spider Willie Sportacus Spotlight Dancing Bot Sprawl Mart Springfield Animal Shelter Springfield Aslyum Springfield Bowl Springfield Cemetery Springfield Clamphitheater Springfield Falls Springfield Famers Markey Springfield Glenne Condos Springfield Gorge Springfield Greenhouse Springfield Heighs Opera House Springfield Hunting Supplies and Connor Grant Springfield Hyperstadium Springfield Museum Springfield Museum of Natural History Springfield Observatory Springfield of Tomorrow Sign Springfield Pet Shop and Jub Jub Springfield Shopper Springfield Sign Springfield Skating Rink Springfield Welcomes Bob Sign Springfield YMCA and Coach K Springy Spruce Caboose Sqanky Fish Squawky Squeaky Voice Teen Squirrel Luann Stack of Beer Stacy and Malibu Stacy HQ Stacy’s Dream House Stampy Ballon Star Spawn Statue of Burns STEM Conference Hotel Stiletto Scuplture Stone of Triumph Stonecutter Lodge and Number 1 Stonecutter Table Stonecutter Tunnel Stoners Pot Palace Street Cleaner Strongman Homer Stunt Bike Sugarloaf Mountain Sumatran Century Flower Sungazer Tour Bus Super Collider Super Sexy Flanders and Ski Lift Swelldorado Tailgate Taste of Duff Truck Tatum and Springfield Coliseum T-Ball Stand Teddy and Springfield National Park Teleporters (4) Tennis Court Tennis Machine TGI McScratchys The Collider The Egg Council Guy The Fracker The Grand Pumpkin The Gridiron The Grumple The Homer The League of Extra Horny Gentleman The Mayflower The Nag and Weasel and Guy Incognito The Paralyzer The Peek Inn The Scout Master The Stable at the Inn The Wiccans The Yes Guy THOH 2018 Witch Three Eyed Whale Time Travel Toaster Tappables Tire Fire Tourist Bundle Tower of Babel Town Square Training Plane Treasure Chest Truckasaurus Try N Save Tunnel of Love Turkey Stuffing Machine Turn Your Head and Coif Tuxedo Krusty Twirl n Hurl Twonicorn UFP Ultrahouse 2 Unoriginal Log Ride Up Up and Buffet UPA Talent Agency Uriah’s Heap Recycling Center and Hippie US Capitol Building USS Tom Clancy Uter and the Hungry Hun Valentines Pond Vehicle Pileup Vesuvius Pizza Vicious Monkeys Victorian UFO Victors Secret Wailing Wall Walking Kwik-E-Mart Washington and Cherry Tree Water Show Fountain Waterslide Tree Waverly Hills Elementary School Welcome to Springfield Sign Westminster Abbey Whack A Mole Whale White Witch Burns Wholesome Publishing WII Tank Wild West Film Set Wildlife Sanctuary Willie’s Tractor Wilted Rose Witch Marge and Cauldron Wizard Martin Wonder Films Woodstock Wooly Bully Wooly Mamoth Pen Work From Home Station World Wide Broadcast Dish Worm Train X Ray Truck Yardwork Simulator Ye Olde Off Ramp Inn Yellow Submersible Zip Zap and Za Zombie Zombie Sandwich Zutroy
The tweets of Wilford Woodruff
submitted by HeberSeeGull to exmormon [link] [comments]
Since Ol' Woody has been mentioned in several threads here of late I'm adding a story about him and a list of his tweets created by an exmo, Book of Mordor.
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff
At the end of an artfully concealed passageway within the F (First Presidency's) Vault at Granite Mountain can be found a hidden trap door leading to a secret sub-basement. Using my special set of skills, I had navigated my way into this forgotten room. I passed by the Liahona, the Sword of Laban, what looked like a Jaredite-barge shining stone thingy, and the head of Shiz in a jar; these trifles were not the reason for my dangerous and clandestine visit. I found myself sweating and mopped my face with the nearby Title of Liberty.
In the far corner of the sub-basement, I spotted an opening in the floor. Creeping over for a closer look, I beheld a spiral staircase winding endlessly down into the abyssal blackness. Eldritch symbols and unsettling images were engraved upon its cold steps, but I knew that I must descend, for the mysterious Fat Man had insisted there was no other way. My flashlight flickered and I hoped that I had inserted alkaline batteries instead of the cheap regular ones.
At length, I arrived at the nethermost alcove below the mountain. And there! next to the casks of Amontillado I spied the prize and object of my search: a small locked wooden box. But not just any box, for it contained a priceless artifact. I promptly seized the box and got the hell out of there.
Returning to my room at the Crystal Inn Hotel in Murray, I brought out the key which had proven so difficult to procure. If you can recall that one "Pirates" scene with Will Turner and a sleeping Davy Jones at the organ, you get the idea. But that tale I dare not relate in full. Suffice it to say that the telling would cause men to weep and women to giggle.
My hand trembled as the key turned and the lock clicked open. I slowly raised the lid and at last gazed with wonder on that for which I had risked all. With my heart pounding, I removed it, and so I now hold...the Flash Drive of the Prophets.
The Flash Drive of the Prophets! Naught but rumors and whispers can be heard about it from the wizened merchants who lurk in the dark recesses of City Creek Center. To think that I am now in possession of it is almost more than I can bear. But I must make haste, and share what I can of the supernal treasures stored on it. And so I present to you, dear readers, the Tweets of Wilford Woodruff.
@Big_Ol_Woody - Getting dunked a mormon in a few. Gonna be an #IceBath, f**king freezing!!! 10:48 AM Ð 31 Dec 1833
@Big_Ol_Woody - @ParleyPPratt says I have 2 go 2 some podunk place called Kirtland. Pratt's a horse's @$$ control freak. Why do I have this urge 2 run? 3:41 PM Ð 1 Apr 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Meeting the big guy @JosephSmithJr now. Hairy dude. Whats up w/ all the girls & can I get some? 11:22 AM Ð 25 Apr 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Showed JS a leg bone & arrowhead. He's #OffHisMeds, starts on about a white Indian named Zelph. Great prophet Onandagus, I call bulls**t. 1:14 PM Ð 3 Jun 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mission, WTF?!? No one told me that! #BaitAndSwitch 10:58 AM Ð 11 Nov 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Movin on up, in the 1Q70 now. Gonna get small folks 2 #PaintMyHouse 4 me. ROFL! 12:39 PM Ð 3 Jan 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got me some action at last ABOUT TIME! Phoebe's 30 like me not a babe but I'll take it. JS promised me a bunch more later haha. 8:03 AM Ð 14 Apr 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission?! Finally getting laid & have 2 leave again, whats wrong w/ u ppl? 11:40 AM Ð 9 May 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Made APOSTLE 2day! JACKPOT!! I'm famous, u must all BOW DOWN BE4 ME! 3:11 PM Ð 26 Apr 1839
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another fking mission. England this time. F
k. 8:46 AM Ð 8 Aug 1839
@Big_Ol_Woody - Dunked 600 chumps past 6 wks. @JohnTaylor had the idea, calls it #CricketBaptisms. Seems 2 work. 11:17 PM Ð 10 Apr 1840
@Big_Ol_Woody - Seeing Phoebe soon, YES! Horny as all s**t, have 2 make up 4 lost time. 9:43 AM Ð 2 Jun 1841
@Big_Ol_Woody - JS showed me the "Urem&Thumem" (sp?) 2day. Just a f**king rock but had 2 make a HUGE deal like OMG! OMG, faint! LOL!! Rube. 7:09 PM Ð 27 Dec 1841
@Big_Ol_Woody - Goofy s**t around here starting 2 get 2 me. Seeing stream of light in sky shaped like sword. Must be going crazy. 8:21 PM Ð 10 Mar 1843
@Big_Ol_Woody - Oh my head. F**king sky sword changed in2 a ring w/ balls of light inside. JS says sky sword means big war coming. #NauvooMadHouse 9:12 PM Ð 14 Mar 1843
@Big_Ol_Woody - BIG DAY 2DAY GETTIN MY SECOND ANOINTING ON!!! #GoldenTicket #IGotMine 10:02 AM Ð 28 Jan 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Moved in2 new house yesterday. Got it "broken in" last nite w/ Phoebe heh. Life = good. 8:31 AM Ð 5 Mar 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME??? Want 2 kick JS in the nutz. #LoserTyrant 4:04 PM Ð 6 May 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - OHHH S**T reading in Boston paper JS shot, killed. Bet that SOB Young is gonna try 2 take over. Not good. Need 2 get drunk fast. 3:50 PM Ð 9 Jul 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Its over. #TheBrigham is prez now. Every1 else kissed butt so couldn't say anything. Have 2 play nice. F**k we're doomed. 2:57 PM Ð 8 Aug 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission 2 #Europe but it's OK this time b/c I'm MP now & can order every1 around. #HastenTheWork serfs!! 12:25 PM Ð 12 Aug 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Back in Nauvoo again WhereTF is every1? Half the town gone. Oh well got 2 run home I have DEEP blue balls LOL! 3:33 PM Ð 13 Apr 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Some army jerkwad wants volunteers 4 #MexicanWar. F**k that. Where were u earlier? Passed buck up 2 #TheBrigham. 11:20 AM Ð 26 Jun 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Marrying 3 chix 2day have #HaremOf4 SWEEEET!! Mary A's 28 Mary C's 17 Sarah's 18 & I can hardly wait! Phoebe not happy TFB. 8:44 AM Ð 2 Aug 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Teenage wives a pain, want guys their own age. Can't figure it out. BE GONE YE HARLOTS! Just the 2 wifeys 4 now. 10:55 AM Ð 29 Aug 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - OW FK A TREE JUST FELL ON ME F
K GODDAM S**T THAT HURTS OW OW 2:27 PM Ð 15 Oct 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Both wives preg, always complaining about something SHUT IT! Leaving em 2 each other 4 female bonding. ROAD TRIP YEAH!! 4:06 PM Ð 5 Apr 1847
@Big_Ol_Woody - This place is a dump, total #ForsakenWasteland. Deseret my @$$. BY = idiot. 9:56 AM Ð 24 Jul 1847
@Big_Ol_Woody - Climbing a mountain 2day. Full suit tie & vest. Fk I'm hot tired & #NeedABath. It's never enough is it BY? Never f
king enough. Ever. 12:34 PM Ð 26 Jul 1847
I have been discovered. My actions here have alerted the Strengthening Church Members Committee. Even as I write I can hear Danite footsteps echoing in the hall. I must escape. Brethren, hasta ma–ana.
Praise Darwin, I have outwitted my foes. Oaks' Blokes chased me down the fire stairs and into the hotel lobby, but I threw down some banana peels upon which they slipped and fell. My northern and eastern escape routes were too heavily guarded, and Wendover is a hole. I have turned south and found refuge in Santaquin, but cannot linger.
@Big_Ol_Woody - F**ked up dream, prob drank 2 much #barleycorn. Saw JS & a lot of ppl in white robes making crowns. Have 2 get off the stuff. 2:17 AM Ð 16 Mar 1848
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mary A divorcing me 2morrow WTF is going on? Not like I've been away from home neglecting her, oh wait I did. All right go then. S**t. 1:51 PM Ð 10 May 1848
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 tell BY I need women 2 #LiveUp2Privileges. Down 2 only Phoebe since last divorce, not enough. Must find #PerkyBoobs soon. 10:03 AM Ð 16 Mar 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - S**t, have 2 marry this widow named Mary, she's 48. Older than me. Guess #TheBrigham is pissed at me. Need 2 brown nose again. 9:26 PM Ð 27 Mar 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mary died 2day so just 1 wife again. We can #KeepEmComing tho. Have another picked out already, Clarissa's 17. 6:16 PM Ð 3 Oct 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - #TheBrigham dedicating #SLTemple site, droning on & on & on. Will NOT close pie hole. Want 2 go home, drink #beer. 11:41 AM Ð 14 Feb 1853
@Big_Ol_Woody - Bad luck w/ teens, Clarissa divorced me 2. Trying again 2day w/ 2 new hotties, Emma 15 & Sarah 19. I'm 46 haha. SCORE. 8:28 AM Ð 13 Mar 1853
@Big_Ol_Woody - Off again, have 2 travel across the fking country 2 buy s
t 4 the #DeseretAlphabet. Just another wild hair out of BY's @$$. 9:02 AM Ð 3 Mar 1856
@Big_Ol_Woody - Addressed bumpkins in conf 2day in favor of #handcart ops. All have 2 back #TheBrigham on this or else. #NoConscience 3:23 PM Ð 6 Oct 1856
@Big_Ol_Woody - Promised hayseeds some would be alive 4 return of #TenTribes & give em endowments. Never know what the f**k I'm talking about. 1:57 PM Ð 22 Feb 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: @JamesBuchanan 2 send in US Army. ROFLMAO!! #BringItOn, Prez! We shall summon mighty earthquakes 2 swallow you up!! 12:08 PM Ð 24 Jul 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another wife 2day! 9th overall but 4th staying. Hard 2 keep track. Sarah Delight's just 19 say hi 2 Mr. Woodruff! #DelightMe 11:01 AM Ð 31 Jul 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - @JohnDLee ran in 2day shouting about #MountainMeadows something? Said Indians killed ppl. Yawn. BFD, need 2 get ready 4 army. 3:47 PM Ð 29 Sep 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Spoke 2day in the Tab, said #God progressing in knowledge & power. Crowd ate it up, go figure. These dips**ts believe everything. 2:24 PM Ð 6 Dec 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Running away 2 Provo since army's almost here. Expected #God 2 send down useful s**t like #FlamingAngels but nope. #WhatElseIsNew 9:05 AM Ð 7 Apr 1858
@Big_Ol_Woody - Yeah right wool. Nothin better 2 wear in CK huh Heber u jackhole? RT @HeberCKimball: Peter wore wool when he came 2 Kirtland temple 3:46 PM Ð 9 Feb 1862
@Big_Ol_Woody - Emma ready 2 pop any day, Delight 3 mo along. Sarah's turn 2 receive some laying on of hands & gift of the holy spurt haha. 6:58 PM Ð 29 Jan 1863
@Big_Ol_Woody - Prophesied Albany 2 be destroyed by fire, Boston by tidal wave, NYC by quake. BY stood up & agreed. We're just makin it all up as we go. 4:12 PM Ð 21 Aug 1863
@Big_Ol_Woody - Emma & Delight WAY preggers & HUUUGE, Sarah busy nursing kid last 8 mo, Phoebe's 61, nowhere 2 go 4 sugar. 2:35 PM Ð 13 Jul 1868
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 put up w/ this batst EVERY SINGLE F
KING DAY around here. RT @BrighamYoung: #Sun & #Moon are inhabited 5:00 PM Ð 24 Jul 1870
@Big_Ol_Woody - Think I finally did it, 3 wives prego at same time. D*ck is sore tho & G's rub against it fierce. #NoSpermLeft, balls shrunk 2 pea size. 10:42 PM Ð 21 Nov 1872
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: rumor #PolandAct passed by @Congress yesterday, easier 2 prosecute plyg. We will DIE be4 we abandon plyg!!! #NoSurrender 10:29 AM Ð 24 Jun 1874
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got the shaft again. I'm older than Taylor, next in line but fking Q12 jumped him ahead of me just b/c he was ordained 1st. Hate u f
ks. 1:48 PM Ð 10 Apr 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Talked again about #TenTribes coming soon. Might even convince myself of this s**t someday. #NotGonnaHappen 2:45 PM Ð 24 Jun 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Told everybody 2day that #Millennium is dawning soon blah blah. Would be amazed if anything I said ever actually happened. 3:31 PM Ð 12 Sep 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Meeting w/ @UlyssesSGrant, as usual #TheBrigham is boring the living s**t out of the Prez. Put a sock in it 4 once u douche. 10:18 AM Ð 3 Oct 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - BY said 2 write temple s**t down. Started last Nov u dumb coot. Will make this crapola all scary weird w/ #BloodOaths 2 freak ppl out haha. 12:32 PM Ð 14 Jan 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Think BY likes me b/c he's giving me his daughter Eudora 2morrow. She's 24 & OK I guess. Can't do s**t at 70 tho. 5:22 PM Ð 9 Mar 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - #TheBrigham doesnt like me after all, I get now why he dumped his daughter on me. Well played BY. 11:14 AM Ð 11 Mar 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - You'll NEVER believe this!! Bunch of ghosts in wigs just showed up in SG Temple! G-Wash, T-Jef, B-Frank, all of em! OMG SICK!!! 12:56 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Now they're all #BooHoo about no temple work 4 em yet. Waited soooo long wah wah wah. Scuse us guys we've been busy. 12:59 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Introducing themselves 1 by 1. BORRRING. U signed #DeclarationOfIndependence? Never heard of most of these ppl. Who are all u jokers?? 1:07 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Button Gwinet? (sp?) WTF stupid name is Button? Wait til I tell BY's kid Mahonri Moriancumer Young, he'll die laughing. Button, ROFL!! 2:21 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
I hear voices in the distance, shouts of "Oh, fetch!" coming closer. How did they find me so quickly? Into the night once more. Brethren, peace out.
Again I have survived. The fools really ought to remove their sunglasses at night, but it seems to be against the rules. They left only the chauffeur to guard their car, a custom 2013 Bentley Mulsanne bearing the license plate "MONSON6." (How many does he have?) I dispatched the poor fellow using a can of Mountain Dew heavily laced with Ex-Lax, then drove away. I exited the interstate at Nephi, later abandoned the Bentley in Milford and have made my way to Minersville. I should be safe here. No one has ever visited this town.
@Big_Ol_Woody - It's T-Jef by himself this time. Looks uncomfortable, says something about wants 2 marry #SallyHemings? I say IDK, need more info. 10:34 AM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - OK get this. So I pray & see Sally! HOLY S**T SMOKIN HOT!!! I get an idea, play cool, say sorry no, #CurseOfCain etc. He's sad & goes. 10:38 AM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - TJ's back. I offer 2 swap my 3rd, 4th & 6th wives 2 him 4 Sally. Don't fess up these 3 divorced me haha. He says he'll get back 2 me. 1:19 PM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Can u f*king BELIEVE IT?!? #SelfishGhost said *NO
2 my trade!! T-JEF IS AN A-HOLE!!! #IWantSally 3:53 PM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got dunking done 4 all these dead guys & a few more. Got water up my nose LOL! #Columbus will be sooo grateful 2 me! 7:30 PM Ð 21 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Just woke up from dream about Sally H, look down & ewwww gross!!! Long time since that happened, didn't know I still could haha! 1:16 AM Ð 25 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - BIG news! BY finally kicked it, seemed that tool would never go! Guess that HOT @AnnElizaWebb broke his heart. Annie #TelegraphMe anytime!! 11:57 PM Ð 29 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - At funeral of #TheBrigham, now I'm 1 step closer 2 prez. Snoozefest, bored 2 tears. Have 2 speak later, hope I can stay awake. 10:24 AM Ð 2 Sep 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Eudora had son yesterday but he died. Time 2 visit Emma 4 replacement. Delight 7 mo preg wonder if she's OK haha. 8:29 AM Ð 2 Apr 1878
@Big_Ol_Woody - got 2 run n hide the us marshals r after me that bch eudora divorced me n ratted me out 2 the govt why do all these b
ches turn on me? 7:43 PM Ð 7 Feb 1879
@Big_Ol_Woody - Beware O Earth 4 the Hour of the Judgment of #God is Upon U! Seriously! I'm Not Kidding This Time, I Really Really Mean It!! 5:13 AM Ð 26 Jan 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Q12 droolers took my Jan nutter ramblings as the Word of #TheLord so it's official #revelation. Shaking my head, it's a #circus here. 4:48 PM Ð 4 Apr 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Talking on #SignsOfTimes, this generation 2 see return of JC blah blah blah. Have 2 keep it going til the gomers wise up 2 us. 3:17 PM Ð 3 Jul 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Telegram: Prez @ChesterAArthur signed #EdmundsAct yesterday. #TheLord shall PROTECT US as w/ FIRE ye MINIONS OF SATAN!!! 10:11 AM Ð 25 Mar 1882
@Big_Ol_Woody - Saw CK mansions in dream last nite, the best #HeavenlyArchitects were building em. Must be getting f**king senile or something. 6:06 AM Ð 30 Dec 1882
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 go on the run again, gettin 2 old 4 this st. What a f
king joke, not like I'm boning any1, #CantGetItUp w/ a pulley. 8:14 AM Ð 14 Jan 1885
@Big_Ol_Woody - GEO EDMUNDS & JOHN TUCKER BY THE POWER OF THE P/H IN THE NAME OF J-C I SENTENCE U BOTH 2 INSTANT DEATH & ETERNAL DAMNATION IN OUTER DARKNESS 10:59 AM Ð 14 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - Did it work? 8:41 PM Ð 15 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - F**k me we are so screwed 11:28 AM Ð 17 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: Taylor died yesterday so I'm prez now. Super, just f**king splendid. Can't even go 2 #outhouse w/ out being arrested. 1:15 PM Ð 26 Jul 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - Put my foot in it again. Prophesied that SS & MIA kids in audience 2 live 2 see #SecondComing. I'll be long dead by then #SoSueMe. 11:03 AM Ð 29 Jul 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Ridiculous horses**t, surrounded by cretins. RT @OrsonFWhitney: JS: #TowerOfBabel built 2 reach #CityOfEnoch suspended in midair 10:37 PM Ð 22 Sep 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another #revelation from #God hooray! Not going 2 give up plyg 2 become state. #TheKingdom doesn't take terms it makes em. 10:36 PM Ð 24 Nov 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Telegram: @SupremeCourt upheld #EdmundsTucker. #God promised 2 fight our f**king battles but chucked us, what a surprise. 9:44 AM Ð 20 May 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - Time 2 give up plyg. Need 2 make up some [email protected]
$$ excuse 4 blowhards like BY & Kimball & Pratt etc. Thx a heap #God big help u were. 1:54 PM Ð 24 Sep 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 #TapDance 4 every1 about why we caved after 50 yrs of big bulls**t CK promises & brave talk of US collapse. #EpicFail 9:49 AM Ð 6 Oct 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - It's good. Said more crap about never leading the church astray, remove out of our place blah blah. Will all #BlowOverSoon, plebs wont remember. 11:10 AM Ð 6 Oct 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - @JosephFSmith asked 4 chat w/ son J Fielding 2day his 15 bday. #WeirdKid if u ask me. Arrogant little f**k, not 2 sharp, kinda creepy. 1:42 PM Ð 19 Jul 1891
@Big_Ol_Woody - Dedicating #SLTemple 2day, hosanna, hosanna barf. Have #hangover, feel like s**t, might need #coffee 2 stay sharp haha. 9:19 AM Ð 6 Apr 1893
@Big_Ol_Woody - Told peasants in conf 2day #OMyFather is #revelation haha. Sometimes I kill me. 4:52 PM Ð 8 Oct 1893
@Big_Ol_Woody - B-Frank said hi in bizarro dream. Had long talk, he wanted more temple s**t done. I said OK if he would bug T-Jef about #SallyHemings. 3:46 AM Ð 20 Mar 1894
@Big_Ol_Woody - Utah state but w/ out plyg dammit. Bogus Ô89 #revelation was test from #God I bet. Uh yeah thats it. U cant criticize me I'm the profit. 12:08 PM Ð 4 Jan 1896
@Big_Ol_Woody - Conf talk earlier 2day, kids here 2 be alive 4 #SecondComing. Same ol s**t 60 yrs, they're just never gonna learn. [email protected]
$$es 4ever. 6:25 PM Ð 8 Apr 1898
It must have been a local, besotted with the false promises of a special second anointing for my capture. If I could hie to Kolob Canyons I might yet stand a chance. I will return and report, should I live. Brethren, whatever.
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff: The Hunt is On!
It has come to this at last. I was hotly pursued into Zion National Park and alas! have tragically lost the Flash Drive of the Prophets while scrambling over the lovely pink cliffs. I fear that it will never be found, save perhaps by an intrepid contributor to this board. Once I reach Mesquite I think I will be free. The Committee has no power beyond Utah, and the breakfast buffet at the Casa Blanca is not half bad. I thank you, dear readers, for your time and attention but damn I really must move or I am toast. Brethr
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff: Epilogue
The boys were close on my heels all the way to St. George, where I ditched them for good as they were gorging on thirds at Golden Corral's dessert table. I held to the course of the Virgin River through Arizona, entering Nevada near Bunkerville. Being famished I was compelled to rustle and BBQ one of Cliven Bundy's cattle. And it came to pass that I arrived in Las Vegas clinging to the back of a big rig. I relax now poolside at Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino. All is well! My adventure is finished and I return to a normal existence, buying tequilas for sun-kissed topless honeys. I thank you once more for your kind attention. Brethren, I do. The orignal article and other information about LDS Prophets is available here: http://www.salamandersociety.com/foyeprophets/